It's a balmy spring morning with thunderstorms percolating around Casa Poops. Hopefully light guy will come and bring some much needed illumination to my piles. I'm not sure how that will work in the office and dining room because there are no wall switches. We shall see, I suppose. The sun peeked out when I was coming home from the 'gentral for my daily outing. And I forgot laundry detergent, by the way. Hey...have Dawn, will wash. I got four flash flood warnings on the phone during the night and I'm mighty glad I didn't have to drive through water this morning. It's the little things. The wind blew over my industrial garbage can out on the road so I'll have to find some man to help me lift it before they show up tomorrow.
The sale is set for the first weekend in May. It's been five months since it was vacated by mom following a six week period alone there preparing to let go. I remember the day we took her to assisted living and cousin Mo was there to save the day while Bubba and I sobbed. Literally, there has been a lot of water under the bridge since then. Like the grief experts say "It's a process." I don't really see a destination in the journey, just daily memories and happy stuff mostly. Each day brings another opportunity to learn something new about myself and I intend to keep growing as long as I can. Gotta' figure out what I'm going to be when I grow up.
I self medicated with Clindamycin so the tooth isn't hurting right now but it will be back I'm sure so I need to find a dentist. Always one to do regular visits, I haven't been in four years since I got a bridge because.....$$. Even with insurance, it's untouchable many times. I have 40 dollar co-pays for each doctor visit which is not bad, but not something you just do on a whim. It's pap smear time so that's on the books along with a mammo. I am at high risk for cervical cancer so that must be watched at least yearly. There was a time when I was up in that office every three months which was NOT fun. One LEAP and many paps later, it finally turned normal.
The asparagus is beginning to peek back out after getting mauled by the mower. At least the weeds are gone! I'm enjoying the quiet of this day without the whine of centrifuges and dropping of pneumatic tubes. The only sound is of keyboard tapping and wind blowing outside open windows. Oh, and birds. This place, as much as I've bitched and moaned about the house and its' condition, is my sanity. You could not buy a better view than the one I have except maybe over behind the dairy barn. That's the proposed resting spot for the red log cabin. Again, we shall see.
Serenity ~
Thursday, March 31, 2016
Wednesday, March 30, 2016
bricked redux
I thought corporate would be standing me up again on the counseling fo' free but I finally talked to Jennay today and gave her a recap of my last year and all the dead people. She was sorry for my losses and asked about a million questions about my feelings and if I want to harm myself. I said hanging in and no. She referred me to a program called GriefShare at the nearby Baptist church. Even gave me the phone # and dates!
I'm off tomorrow which is, as Old Hoss would say, "a good thing." Tension is high and I'm tired PLUS there's severe weather moving in. Wasps are circling the house and door and window guy will finally give us some overhead lighting tomorrow because he needs an inside job. He always leaves by 3 to get his girl from school. Painter guy came and picked up the plastic over the weekend and the garbage is manageable. Lily is sitting on the table next to me purring like all that because she can.
No suicide bombings that I've noted since the Easter fiasco so that's good. Trump seems to be going up in flames which is providence with a capital P if you know what I mean. Bernie and Hillary are playing nice and Cruz is still damaged. Other than that, I got nothing for your US of A. My friend Lorna turned me on to Jill Stein last year and I totally get where she's coming from and wish she had more funding. Maybe she'll pair up with #bernie and let EW take control of Congress.
I have no answers today. Only hope and faith ~
Tuesday, March 29, 2016
stranger than fiction
Bubba receives all of the grands' forwarded mail at his house and divides it up into bills, which are his, and healthcare and personal which he brings to me. The other day he dropped off a card from none other than Lois Griffin of the great states of California and Tennessee. Her husband John and my Daddy went to basic AF training together in California as young men and since he and Lois were already married and Mom was in Dyersburg he spent leave weekends on their couch. I remember them as a constant during the lives of my parents, always visiting once a year and sending Christmas cards from wherever they were living at the time.
Here's the strange part: In her note, Ms Griffin told Billy and family how sorry she was to hear about Janice's death and shared with him that John had died at the end of January and a celebration of his life is planned for April in Forked Deer. I think there's maybe a school or something. We're talking TINY y'all. When she wrote this note on 2/7 she had no idea that Daddy had died first way back in August. Her beloved John died 7 days after Mom in CA. I was flat on a mission to get in touch and catch her up on the Stafford family.
I "googled" her and immediately found his obituary but still had no way to reach her. Forked Deer? Hmmm...that's close to Gates and propane guy. So I called him ( not begging for credit this time ) and he gave me the brother and son's numbers. I got VM with brother but when I called son's house guess who answered! There she sat 20 miles down the road chatting like a magpie about our lives. Following her husband's death she came here to stay with her son at the family home with plans to sell the CA place and end up here. We learned a lot about each other in that hour long conversation and shared lots of parental memories. It was comforting in a way that I can't describe.
So, from what I read today on the innerwebs, corporations are on the way out as a business model, or at least them employing the entire workforce. More and more folks are becoming consultants of some sort and contracting with companies who recognize their skill and knowledge. The days of a ginormous Wall Street deal on trade are over, even if it may take awhile. Just check out your local big box store or Dolla' gentral and their empty parking lots. That's one of the things that I've noticed at the sawmill, by the way. Consumers are using their dollars much more wisely and comparing brands for purchases and services. The failure to expand Medicaid in the redneck southern states has impacted care on many levels, mostly with the elderly and chronically ill. My parents were fortunate enough to have full ride Medicare and insurance because of Daddy's federal employment. Those days are gone, as well.
On a happier note, the beach is a few weeks closer but I may miss out on meeting a FB friend from MO who picks up tires out of muddy water for fun. We shall see if the stars align for that to happen. It's a sad day when the top story is some Egyptian pissed at his wife carrying a gun onto a plane. I figure Trump is behind it.
Forward ~
Here's the strange part: In her note, Ms Griffin told Billy and family how sorry she was to hear about Janice's death and shared with him that John had died at the end of January and a celebration of his life is planned for April in Forked Deer. I think there's maybe a school or something. We're talking TINY y'all. When she wrote this note on 2/7 she had no idea that Daddy had died first way back in August. Her beloved John died 7 days after Mom in CA. I was flat on a mission to get in touch and catch her up on the Stafford family.
I "googled" her and immediately found his obituary but still had no way to reach her. Forked Deer? Hmmm...that's close to Gates and propane guy. So I called him ( not begging for credit this time ) and he gave me the brother and son's numbers. I got VM with brother but when I called son's house guess who answered! There she sat 20 miles down the road chatting like a magpie about our lives. Following her husband's death she came here to stay with her son at the family home with plans to sell the CA place and end up here. We learned a lot about each other in that hour long conversation and shared lots of parental memories. It was comforting in a way that I can't describe.
So, from what I read today on the innerwebs, corporations are on the way out as a business model, or at least them employing the entire workforce. More and more folks are becoming consultants of some sort and contracting with companies who recognize their skill and knowledge. The days of a ginormous Wall Street deal on trade are over, even if it may take awhile. Just check out your local big box store or Dolla' gentral and their empty parking lots. That's one of the things that I've noticed at the sawmill, by the way. Consumers are using their dollars much more wisely and comparing brands for purchases and services. The failure to expand Medicaid in the
On a happier note, the beach is a few weeks closer but I may miss out on meeting a FB friend from MO who picks up tires out of muddy water for fun. We shall see if the stars align for that to happen. It's a sad day when the top story is some Egyptian pissed at his wife carrying a gun onto a plane. I figure Trump is behind it.
Forward ~
Monday, March 28, 2016
workin' the steps
Anonymous groups do it faithfully. If something has that much of a hold on you, whether it's porn or gambling or chemicals, there's not but one way out and that's up the ladder. The old school way of looking at addiction served decades of people well during a time when mental health consisted of shock therapy and more drugs. We became enlightened later on and included addicts other than alcoholics to the fold, well...except for those old timers. If you ain't a drunk, don't come to my meeting. One of the hardest addictions I've found to let go of is control which is usually when I end up starting over. Again.
One of my co-workers told me I looked really tired this morning and she's never even noticed that before. Everybody says that these days and I really am. The decompression period is over and the grief pretty much comes reasonably so I feel the urgent need to just sleep a lot. My house is pretty and not as cluttered and halfway clean so there you go.
It's chilly again but that won't last because it's Tennessee where you go from winter to summer in a week. We were watching my new favorite show called Impractical Jokers yesterday when out of nowhere came a freaking monsoon from the south. It last about ten minutes and sent baby's breath flying all over the place. And still...the asparagus is absent, hiding from the mower guy. Argggggggh!
The sawmill was the usual only not crazy busy during my shift, anyway. I get calls at all times of the day and night about stuff and have actually been called out on not answering even when there is no compensation for that consult. I suppose it comes with the hefty price of my hourly wage that I am to live and breathe work. I am a lower middle class professional healthcare provider looking to retire within the next ten years. And it doesn't look good.
That being said, Bernie is kicking ass and taking names and is gonna' behead all of ISIS and I can't wait.
^j^
One of my co-workers told me I looked really tired this morning and she's never even noticed that before. Everybody says that these days and I really am. The decompression period is over and the grief pretty much comes reasonably so I feel the urgent need to just sleep a lot. My house is pretty and not as cluttered and halfway clean so there you go.
It's chilly again but that won't last because it's Tennessee where you go from winter to summer in a week. We were watching my new favorite show called Impractical Jokers yesterday when out of nowhere came a freaking monsoon from the south. It last about ten minutes and sent baby's breath flying all over the place. And still...the asparagus is absent, hiding from the mower guy. Argggggggh!
The sawmill was the usual only not crazy busy during my shift, anyway. I get calls at all times of the day and night about stuff and have actually been called out on not answering even when there is no compensation for that consult. I suppose it comes with the hefty price of my hourly wage that I am to live and breathe work. I am a lower middle class professional healthcare provider looking to retire within the next ten years. And it doesn't look good.
That being said, Bernie is kicking ass and taking names and is gonna' behead all of ISIS and I can't wait.
^j^
Sunday, March 27, 2016
risen
It is real to me now, that my parents are gone. I avoided their house for many weeks until going down yesterday to check on progress for the sale. It doesn't look like it's been touched in awhile but that's okay. While I was sunning on the patio neighbor James Frank walked over for a visit. He misses them as much as we do for they were in his charge as homeland security. He noted that it almost looked like Miss Janice sitting out there. Mom rarely sat outside or did much other than go from house to car and other destinations. Daddy loved the outdoors but was too busy being on a mission to just SIT and be one with the earth. I returned this morning to pick flowers for their grave and promptly dumped a vase full of water in the Camry floor. As I wound my way through the cemetery I saw many others doing the very same thing. Easter is what's up when it comes to dead people.
I passed by the UMC flowering cross at the corner of Main and McGaughey and tried to remember Easter of last year and could not. I'm sure I picked up Daddy at least and maybe Mom. Depends on if it was raining. Nothing but a hair appointment would get that woman out in the rain with a walker and umbrella. She had just started going back to church when she passed out on the walker while going from SS to service and ended up with a broken hip. Dr. A told me right then to prepare for the end and he was right. I'm pretty sure Lori was working there then on the weekends because I think we re-potted his petunias a couple of weeks later. They were a hot mess, if you know what I mean. I kept one pot alive through the winter but it's dead to the world now.
Mom never had a peaceful day much after Daddy passed. She woke up crying and went to bed crying and often called for him at the end to help her through the pain. Her frail little body had shriveled from big girl size down to anorexia of the elderly. Daddy never gave up on the eating thing as long as he was able. Looking at the way both of them died with hospice, it couldn't be more different. Once his meds were in place he never moved. It was 48 hours between the last time he spoke to us and the 5AM phone call on August 4th. My youngest brother arrived just in time to see a bit of consciousness. It was peaceful. Mom, on the other hand, struggled with the whole letting go thing mightily,,,worrying and fretting over whether or not it would hurt or she'd be alone. It didn't, and she wasn't. We had managed to trick her into thinking that we were all there when Daddy died. She never knew the difference.
It's been a long haul, that's for sure. Beginning with the birth of half breed puppies ( TEN of 'em ) under the barn, the fabric of our life as a family began to unravel. Aunt Granny died the first of June, then Noler. We were at Curry's every week there for awhile. Three of the old timer docs I worked with passed around that time as well. I remember thinking that it was all happening too fast and things just needed to be "normal." I suppose we found the new normal such as it is. Neither time that I left did I expect it to happen that soon. You just never know what the Lord has in mind for a body.
Once upon a time I took my pre-teen SS class in a church van to sit amongst the tombstones and talk about how He is not there. They thought it was pretty cool to not be in church reading from the New Testament in fancy clothes. I parked near my grandparents graves and we chatted about what the resurrection means in real life for Christians. I think a couple of the 20 "got it." There was not a bunny in sight, by the way.
It's like I'm coming out of a cocoon or something, being born again on the other side of darkness. Grief does that to people, you know. I've been very careful not to do anything major or life changing because you know there's that one year rule. Of course if Sugardaddy came along, I'd make an exception.
Alleluia ~
I passed by the UMC flowering cross at the corner of Main and McGaughey and tried to remember Easter of last year and could not. I'm sure I picked up Daddy at least and maybe Mom. Depends on if it was raining. Nothing but a hair appointment would get that woman out in the rain with a walker and umbrella. She had just started going back to church when she passed out on the walker while going from SS to service and ended up with a broken hip. Dr. A told me right then to prepare for the end and he was right. I'm pretty sure Lori was working there then on the weekends because I think we re-potted his petunias a couple of weeks later. They were a hot mess, if you know what I mean. I kept one pot alive through the winter but it's dead to the world now.
Mom never had a peaceful day much after Daddy passed. She woke up crying and went to bed crying and often called for him at the end to help her through the pain. Her frail little body had shriveled from big girl size down to anorexia of the elderly. Daddy never gave up on the eating thing as long as he was able. Looking at the way both of them died with hospice, it couldn't be more different. Once his meds were in place he never moved. It was 48 hours between the last time he spoke to us and the 5AM phone call on August 4th. My youngest brother arrived just in time to see a bit of consciousness. It was peaceful. Mom, on the other hand, struggled with the whole letting go thing mightily,,,worrying and fretting over whether or not it would hurt or she'd be alone. It didn't, and she wasn't. We had managed to trick her into thinking that we were all there when Daddy died. She never knew the difference.
It's been a long haul, that's for sure. Beginning with the birth of half breed puppies ( TEN of 'em ) under the barn, the fabric of our life as a family began to unravel. Aunt Granny died the first of June, then Noler. We were at Curry's every week there for awhile. Three of the old timer docs I worked with passed around that time as well. I remember thinking that it was all happening too fast and things just needed to be "normal." I suppose we found the new normal such as it is. Neither time that I left did I expect it to happen that soon. You just never know what the Lord has in mind for a body.
Once upon a time I took my pre-teen SS class in a church van to sit amongst the tombstones and talk about how He is not there. They thought it was pretty cool to not be in church reading from the New Testament in fancy clothes. I parked near my grandparents graves and we chatted about what the resurrection means in real life for Christians. I think a couple of the 20 "got it." There was not a bunny in sight, by the way.
It's like I'm coming out of a cocoon or something, being born again on the other side of darkness. Grief does that to people, you know. I've been very careful not to do anything major or life changing because you know there's that one year rule. Of course if Sugardaddy came along, I'd make an exception.
Alleluia ~
Saturday, March 26, 2016
mostly likely to procrastinate
Remember when we had all those things in the yearbook like prettiest and smartest? Yeah, I was never one of any of those categories. I was just a lost hippie soul attempting to ride the fence with the joiners. There were a sorority, fraternity and several clubs that kept the rich and popular busy during annual photo shoots. Aside from a random shot taken at a pep club thingie, I'm a tiny little face in a sea of future teachers. I sort of strayed to the dark side there in my early teens but my parents stuck with me and so did all those friends from school. We may not talk much, but we always have each others' backs. Always.
Physical activity around here has been sub-zero and it felt good to drag limbs and start a fire. There's not danger of beans catching this time (shut.up) so I can walk away. The contractors left a couple of piles and the yard guys worked around them yesterday. Mayberry and I visited with a cold one while new help proceeded to mow down the asparagus. Ooops! I had already picked for the day so there you go. It will come again!
While I was doing the 2nd of my errands this morning ( following a VERY long 12 hour nap ) Lorna called and said she and Jasper are headed this way from Memphis. She has her bluff in on him most of the time so he's good to travel with I reckon. Mammy has taught him all about how bees pollinate and things grow and rivers rise and destroy. And she is teaching him the true meaning of love through her caring. Same for Gracie. Yes, I have deep and abiding respect.
It's a pretty day and I'm outta' here. Y'all keep the faith ~
Physical activity around here has been sub-zero and it felt good to drag limbs and start a fire. There's not danger of beans catching this time (shut.up) so I can walk away. The contractors left a couple of piles and the yard guys worked around them yesterday. Mayberry and I visited with a cold one while new help proceeded to mow down the asparagus. Ooops! I had already picked for the day so there you go. It will come again!
While I was doing the 2nd of my errands this morning ( following a VERY long 12 hour nap ) Lorna called and said she and Jasper are headed this way from Memphis. She has her bluff in on him most of the time so he's good to travel with I reckon. Mammy has taught him all about how bees pollinate and things grow and rivers rise and destroy. And she is teaching him the true meaning of love through her caring. Same for Gracie. Yes, I have deep and abiding respect.
It's a pretty day and I'm outta' here. Y'all keep the faith ~
Friday, March 25, 2016
bricked
Bound for me to be all off work 30 minutes early to have phone therapy and then the counselor had a "counselor emergency" which probably means somebody was losing it or else she was scurrying around for Easter candy. They offered to re-schedule an hour later and once they understood that I was pretty okay for the moment, we changed the date. Hey...it's Friday, thank God. I noticed the black cloth draped around the wooden cross on Main and McGaughey covered in chicken wire for Sunday's flowers. It's a sight to behold y'all. Even during the Easters when somebody was sick, I would take Mama by to see it. She spent one holiday in the ER following a wreck and the preacher dropped by between services to check on the flock "Surprise! he said. There was one more wreck after that then, boom. No more driving. Daddy did it as long as he could until that turned bad too.
His last day behind the wheel was on Thursday which was hair day at Angel's. It's a short drive through the slow part of town, but there's that pesky by-pass to get there. Mom got nailed there TWICE and BG once. I was at work and got a call from DBStaff to please see about Daddy because he just had a wreck and drove home. B was out of town. So, here I go and I find him BACK up at the intersection about to cross but I got him stopped to ask "Where are you going???" He looked crazy eyed and said he was going back to get Mama at the beauty shop. Cops were there and one asked if he was alright, to which I replied "dementia." He advised that license be removed and so did the doctor who just happened to be with my brother at the time. Small world. I then fetched Mama, went back to work and saved some lives. It wasn't until he put others in danger that we dared to tread on the dignity of his manhood like the ability to drive. He promptly started touring on the gator and did so until a year or so before he died. Mama was scared to ride much and we always kept an eye out for the old man on the go-cart with the farmer's hat. He delivered mail, tomatos, and cutout sugar cookies as well as every other little thing from Casa Grands. It was his escape from the house when the weather was nice.
Things have been pretty financially fluid lately but the crunch is about to come with increased rent for the improvements. We are still cleaning and pitching and my old ass even drug that heavy garbage can out to the road this morning. It's time to hit the asparagus bed so we can have a casserole for Easter dinner.
Rejoice ~
His last day behind the wheel was on Thursday which was hair day at Angel's. It's a short drive through the slow part of town, but there's that pesky by-pass to get there. Mom got nailed there TWICE and BG once. I was at work and got a call from DBStaff to please see about Daddy because he just had a wreck and drove home. B was out of town. So, here I go and I find him BACK up at the intersection about to cross but I got him stopped to ask "Where are you going???" He looked crazy eyed and said he was going back to get Mama at the beauty shop. Cops were there and one asked if he was alright, to which I replied "dementia." He advised that license be removed and so did the doctor who just happened to be with my brother at the time. Small world. I then fetched Mama, went back to work and saved some lives. It wasn't until he put others in danger that we dared to tread on the dignity of his manhood like the ability to drive. He promptly started touring on the gator and did so until a year or so before he died. Mama was scared to ride much and we always kept an eye out for the old man on the go-cart with the farmer's hat. He delivered mail, tomatos, and cutout sugar cookies as well as every other little thing from Casa Grands. It was his escape from the house when the weather was nice.
Things have been pretty financially fluid lately but the crunch is about to come with increased rent for the improvements. We are still cleaning and pitching and my old ass even drug that heavy garbage can out to the road this morning. It's time to hit the asparagus bed so we can have a casserole for Easter dinner.
Rejoice ~
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