when it rains it pours

I woke up to Booger's voice coming from somewhere between asleep and half-ass conscious. He does not come gently out of sleep, if you what I mean. As long as somebody is near for him to lay on while he watches a movie it's all good. Later as I was catching up on FB and his mama was in the shower I heard him start to wail after falling. Again. He's determined to climb those baby gates and when he pushed, it fell and so did his brother's suitcase. They all hit the floor at the same time and I think he was scared. It's one thing watching cartoon characters fly around in the air and sing and another to learn that you yourself do have limits. Who among us has not tied on a towel and played Superman? Mom went to work, brother sister and Boogs went to church and I was late picking daddy up.

I read somewhere that the rainfall total for this recent monsoon has been 11 inches and it ain't over yet. Daddy cheerily announced at eggs and doughnuts that it would stop tonight and be blazing hot tomorrow. Yay! (I said never) It's good for the corn and bad for the not yet planted beans. Daddy shared that he remembered one year they didn't get planted 'til August and that was the year he dropped my mama's very first digital camera in the backwater. We chatted at breakfast about farm history and the old haunted barn with silos that was built by Son Johnson who lived on the hill right below. A tornado took his house and that's when he moved down Samaria Bend across from our home. Forked Deer backwater always came up in the spring right close to the chicken house and hog barn. I remember wading in it and catching tadpoles. Back then I was too young to be afraid of Mr. Snake.

Per our totally connected lifestyle, I am messaging on the phone and typing a blog while listening to music. See what I mean about the ADHD? It's what makes me wander and makes piles where I can't find a damned thing. I think they make a pill for that and I sure could use some help focusing around this house. At work, not so much because there's always a routine and certain things expected. Not here buddy! Our household is on so many schedules and has so many piles we do good just to get where we're supposed to be in the vicinity of the proper time. Daddy was mad because I forgot to pick him up an hour early and nobody told me "recently" like yesterday when I was there, that the plan was different. Between BG, myself and Mom we got about 8 phone calls before we settled in to eat.

Rain, rain go away. Little Poopie wants to play^j^

wild women and biker BBQ

One of my classmates with roots here is in and out for the summer when she's off the school calendar so we take that opportunity to gather up a bunch of girls and do lunch somewhere and LORD bless the server who deals with us because as we all know, the tickets are separate and the laughter is loud and genuine. We were the first ones to come in and got put in the corner booth that wraps around sixties style, which is exactly what we will all be soon. Oh.My.God...how did that happen???? We talked about old lady things like driving at night and who's died. Mostly, we just giggle and talk about stupid stuff like the newest lesbian liquor store that I totally didn't know existed. And the name? Lucky Liquor. There was once a pretty rough biker bar between Newbern and Trimble called Lickety Split. Hey, you can't make this shit up.

Afterwards I stopped by the Kudzu bar where Timmy D and a boatload of volunteers are raising money for our friend Amy who has breast cancer. She and her parents have been like family to me for many many years with me being their advocate, so to speak, through several health crises. I bought a butt from Gigi so i slide up into that familiar parking lot in my nastyass trusty old Camry to visit and pick up the meat. All the guys were sweaty and I hugged the fire out of 'em anyway. It was the best of small town friendship and good will. The kudzu bar ought to be in Wiki by now because I've blogged it enough. Technically it's Dunagan's South Main Sports Bar. Prior to it was Bev's,Buttercup's,Sap's and assorted others. Geno came here when I was in my twenties and started the bar and deli where I hung out when I wasn't on freakin' call. That one was called simply "The Deli." It went on to be a catfish place and then burned. Now there's a church or something. Ah, the irony.

The corn is closing in on us and getting pretty creepy making me want to watch Field of Dreams instead of being scared of zombie children. I can actually feel the presence of that GMO wall that blocks us in. Allergies are out the roof because of all the rain and a moldy basement. No.Air.Moving. Except when a thunderstorm blows through, again. Beans aren't planted yet and it's looking late and iffy. I did see one little patch of them today but they were tiny. The weather was like this when my sister-in-law told me that she and my brother were divorcing. We sat on the front porch spring in the downpour and she told me all about it and how she needed to move on and I said "go girl." Legally blind, she went on to earn a college degree and is now a highly respectable state employee in our capital city. Here's a thread on that story. She married a guy who works with the USDA like my daddy did. Small world.

One of our lunchmates was talking about me posting funny stuff today and my response was that I just don't care any more what people think or how they judge me. That's a huge relief for somebody with my ADHD tender hearted soul. I remember Claude telling me about Adderol one time "Just tell the doctor you move papers around a lot." That's an understatement. Gigi's rule of thumb is never touch a thing but once. If you didn't use it, pitch it. Maybe I won't get selected for Hoarders Live after all.

Happy (almost) 4th of July. Let freedom ring, by God ^j^

peaceful kingdom

I managed to make it through the day without smacking anybody 'nor even a cross word on my part. Drama just wears me out even though I understand the cause at times. As a recovering CoD who has constantly been tested on my boundaries since my "aha" moment, I can honestly attest that the more you do the more others expect. As someone once told me "you did that to yourself." Indeed I did and I'm retiring from being ruler of the world anywhere anytime. I'll do what I can do when I get it done in a manner that is prompt and efficient which is what customer service is about. Sometimes we forget in the ancillaries that there are people on the other end of what we do who need care from the entire team. I carried some blood to someone today who had an entire village working to save her life. It's what I long for during days of tedium, even thought I know it's a shot in the dark sometimes. You gotta' try! We know each other and our families and we have codes for every type of emergency situation that might arise. It was chilling to find "active shooter" on that list recently. A sign of the times, I suppose.

Bound for me, Game of Thrones has been on free HBO the whole time I've had it and now it's going away. I don't have a clue what it's about but it sounds like another binge watch similar to House of Cards or Breaking Bad. I'll have to look at pricing on that because honestly? They're the only ones who have anything watchable besides NetFlix. Major networks bore the hell out of me with all the cop and detective shows. I met Tony Soprano on Showtime and that was also a passion for many seasons. I think the very first HBO produced film was one featuring my celebrity boyfriend who dies in the end. The Jack Bull maybe?

Shannah and Boogs are in the newly clean blowup pool splashing and playing to stay cool. He's a joy to watch as he explores his own boundaries with three strong willed women stopping him at every turn. Sister and brother are at church camp and I can only say praise Jesus and don't get in trouble. Their dad is there so it's not likely. I never went to church camp until I was in high school but I was at Girl Scout camp somewhere every single summer. I've got ancient pictures of my mother the senior scout and her buddies. Camp Hazelwood is still there I believe on the grounds of Kentucky lake. Girl Scouts have kind of lost their memberships because families in today's economy can't afford those things anymore. Mama's place was called Hiawathee on the Spring river in Arkansas. BG was a GS too and we were cookie chairmen for the ENTIRE county one February. That's a lot of boxes, ya'll. They are to me one of those not for profit groups who are top-heavy with national administrative fees while the locals get to be volunteer parents. Kind of like the National Cancer Society. Before you slam me on that one let me point out that we have a community cancer group that is ALL volunteer and they raise funds for local patients with BBQ sales. My friend Kay the funeral director is right up there in the middle of it. Remind me to tell you that story sometime.

You will not steal my joy. If you do? I did it to myself ^j^

fried green 'maters

My garden consists of three tomato plants in concrete blocks and they are doing fabulous so far with fair size green ones coming forth to fry. My daddy's rule was you couldn't pick a green one until there was one red one but I'm not that patient. They get dusted after every rain and watering so as to keep mr evil longhorn green worm from devouring the whole deal in a day. It's amazing how fast those little shits can move through an entire plant. I don't want to kill him, just keep him away but if I find him on there, he gets thrown into the cornfield where who knows WHAT lurks. It makes for some interesting wildlife action and I have passed deer at the same spot in the lane two days running. Today's little one was followed by a turkey, no less. I just stop and stare in wonder wishing I could capture the moment and share it.

I was off yesterday and we headed to Gigi's for a swim while Booger was at daycare, just us girls. It was lovely to say the least. Before we left all three of us tackled the slimy green blow-up pool just in time for the lawnmower guy to show up. Last time he mowed around it, bless his heart. His weedeater guy was even nice enough to help Shannah move the pool AND the garbage. Having a nice yard is something that I enjoy when I don't have to do it. There was a time when it was my hobby but that was many years and injuries ago. While we were rinsing out the slime with a waterhose this burgandy old ladies' care came pulling up to us from the lane and I figured they were lost and asked if they needed help. "Oh no" said the driver. "We're here to visit." Her passenger was a 95 year old woman whose daddy was the farm manager during the 20s and she had lived here. She remembers having to pick peonies out back and carry them to the basement for storage and packing prior to shipment. "People just can't afford nice flowers anymore" said Miss Mary. She shared that her little sister was born in what used to the dining room that now is Shannah and Booger's room. We exchanged phone numbers and addresses to keep in touch and explore the history of Pecan Lane further but I better not procrastinate on this one. At 95 she could be gone in a flash.

Mama fell again and I didn't get the message until about 12 hours later so I checked in with her to find one arm scraped of flesh and a sore body. I won't go apeshit on this subject choosing instead to set my boundaries firmly after years of listening to her crying, mostly because Daddy doesn't show her the attention she craves. Hey...it is what it is. I asked her why she was getting out of bed anyway since he makes sure she's in before he goes to sleep on the couch. She said she "needed" tylenol. *sigh* She even tried to deny that it happened until she found out he had called me. Just like a little kids. Once an adult, twice a child. Part of me is grateful that they've been allowed to stay in their homeplace until death while the other part mourns the fact that they could have some good quality years in assisted living with socialization other than home health. Which starts back this week.

I talked to my therapist yesterday for quite awhile and as usual he knows me like a book. "I know you already realize all this...but here's the thing...." There are three major areas where I've been overloaded with stress which pretty much covers all of my life so I'm overdue for a meltdown. And I'm not just talking short term. Two of the three issues are long running with the third bringing me straight on down the rabbit hole in the past couple. Amazingly, I am still strong in spirit if not in body. I believe in my heart the God loves each and every one of us in spite of our imperfection and wicked ways. Thank god I'm a country girl recovering CoD.

^j^

^j^

wheat straw justice

My parents live in the lowlands of our farm and have wheat all around which got cut yesterday and promptly burned. There's an art to that and I thought they did no-till but I guess it was too tough to plant around. The giant irrigation system is parked right by the road in all its' glory ready to water a crop of beans that will follow. Thus, the name wheat beans. Tony had breakfast duty today and Mama opted to pass on the eggs and doughnuts and visit her younger sister Nancy at the home. I called Daddy yesterday so he could write the code in his "little book." That's where his to-do list lives. His sisters rarely bother with visiting because he's such a horse's ass about the schedule but they're gettin' on up there too so everybody just needs to stay close to home. My mother is the master schemer of getting things done that she wants and needs and not putting anybody out, so to speak. We've done that for years with her asking when I was off to make appointments and now they just pay Tippi to drive them. My plate is full with work and survival.

Yesterday was busy at the sawmill but today, not so much so I made an early exit to start my day off with 1/2 extra fo' free. There were times when I didn't have the paid time off to afford that luxury. For that, I thank Big E. As part of the aging work force that serves healthcare consumers I can honestly say that I've never been more sorry about the delivery of care because it is totally inefficient. Just in my little town there are probably a hundred practitioners who can write orders and none of them are connected to the PHI that another provider has right there on file. Why, you ask? Because it keeps people busy shuffling papers.

Shannah and the kids took an extended vacay at their old place and it was totally enjoyed by all even though we missed them after a week. Part of the trust that the court system put in her is that she will continue to work hard caring for herself and her children in a stable environment. I'm not real sure how stable this particular house is but I guess it beats nothing. As long as everybody let's me do my own thing with minimal interference, it's good. There is, however, an inflatable pool full of slimy green water serving as a breeding spot for mosquitoes and that has to be dealt with. I mean, gah. Water is free thanks to the underground well and pump.

My long time friend and therapist called yesterday because I sent out an SOS call and we never touched base. We have a session tomorrow to catch up on all that is my life and I haven't even paid him for the last two. That's what's known as non-abandonment in his profession. Sometimes I marvel at how he's managed to be there on and off for 15 years. Everybody here is sick and not pooping right so there's that to deal with plus the heat and the smoke from a burning fire.

Politics in general are like watching the crazy kid slaughter people in a movie theater or school so I abstain. I'm stealth on that issue.

Peace~

oh happy day

Well the world is rejoicing because it's the weekend but it's not a biggie to me because I'm working, so there. Plus it's hot as hades and steamy now since the thundershower. I've become my summer self which consists of inside daytimes and little adventures when there's a breeze. I was going through the lunch line and noticed a woman and young girl come in with "Feed the Need" stickers on their shirts and I knew exactly what they were doing. Taking meals to those who can't afford decent food. It's a once a month 100% volunteer food bank and it takes a lot of selfless folks to make it happen. That's when you know that nobody's trying to be a star, just to do the right thing. It was freaky friday so all the elderly were eating their reduced price meal and visiting. I saw Mr. John Fisher pulling up as I went through the doors.

So, the IRS stalked me noticed that I didn't report some income in 2012 which was totally my bad so now I owe them 1000 bucks due by July 16. If I don't have that amount available I can set up a "payment" plan until next year's return which they will fleece. If they only knew how much I detest that my money goes to people like the Kochs and Cheney. I see very little hope for our economy unless Big Ernie pulls a fast one and closes those tax loopholes. It's too late to start the whole process over, just fix it so that people aren't starving while working their asses off. In the heat. And rain. And cold. And dark of night!

I'm one of those who will give until it hurts and then whine about it but I try to make a conscious effort to maintain that attitude without getting hurt. Like my ex always said "expect nothing." That way you're pleasantly surprised when something goes well. I must honestly say that I've been betrayed by many people in my life and it was almost always my fault for expecting them to be as capable as I am of trust. I have stood with friends as they were having meltdowns and moving out on husbands and many other harrowing times. I once took a guy to his girlfriend' dad's funeral because she was still legally married. That was over there in Gibson county I believe. It's just what friends do.

Yaya and Redneck friend and I drank a boatload of beer together in our younger days, most of it at the kudzu bar. There was one particularly hilarious picture we took of Amy and Beverly in the evil vine up to their waists! Bev's husband Terry owned the place and died in an accident on the way to....Gibson county. Shortly thereafter Timmy D lost his position got booted out after 35 years of loyal service. He promptly bought the bar from Bev, got it going the way he wanted and found another job. Which is what we do now because there is no retirement or SS or neverland where you sit and read magazines, bake pies and knit. These are things that won't wait until you're "ready." I'm intrigued by the way we measure time as in I will be happy WHEN...i lose weight/graduate/get married/the kids are gone/etc. My mama has this big fat laminated pin on her bulletin board that says "Enjoy life. This is not a dress rehearsal." Wise woman, she is.

addiction and trust

We are Nurse Jackie fans like BAD and I bought three seasons of it before TV came back to the hill. I watched them and House of Cards over and over again while BG was "away" trying to grasp what it is that can take over a soul like Jackie's or Frank's. I've never wanted anything bad enough to steal or hurt other people but then I was trained to be a good girl by the best of the best. As a teenager, I couldn't understand that trust is something that has to be earned through acceptable behavior and firm boundaries. When I got caught? I was always sorry and expected that trust to be right back in the picture by the next week at least. Ummm, no.

Therapy showed me that even people with layers of issues like myself can come out from under the yoke of co-dependency and begin to care for themselves rather than everybody else. I tended to be quite cynical and angry during those years, going back and forth from that to a hot mess of tears and pity parties. As my personality changed and I became more focused on my own soul rather than the world at large, things became calmer...with me, anyway. The rest of the world kept on spinning out of control but I was somehow disconnected from the fear that comes along with worry about the future or shame from the past. I'm grateful for the turn of events that got me there or I would never have survived what was to come in the next fifteen years.

Big Ernie gives each of us a choice in EVERY situation to do the right thing. It's the old devil that comes up behind you and whispers "Come with me!" I believe that an open heart and constant intent to do good makes a difference in mankind, one life at a time. You can call me Pollyanna, but that's my story.

And I'm sticking to it ^j^