There is rarely any traffic on my lane because it's just me and them, the mentally disabled bunch at the dead end where my baby brother once, no...twice lived. The slough curls around a mountain of trees, river hills above the Forked Deer reaching up to the sun and creating an entire ecosystem of sorts right here in front of my very eyes...and for most of my life! When I was ten years younger I explored every nook and cranny of it by foot or by Camry and didn't always get out of the muddy spots. Just ask Hoss! He's a dung beetle so you might not recognize him. During our one brief visit I got stuck in the mud with a Jack bottle between us and hiked all the way home. When I turned into the lane today I noticed three cop cars pulling out as I moved over and watched. The last one is married to a gal who works with me and told me it was the usual with you know who down there. Grace of god kids...grace of god.
When I was growing up the John Hughen family lived there and they had a daughter named Susan who is coincidentally ( I love it when this happens) a med tech in East Tennessee. After that came Robert Miller the rugged coyote hunter followed by Tiko and Shirley and on and on and on. Cousin Debbie and her family moved there for awhile when the boys were little. They learned to hunt here and grew up in a male sort of paradise. Over the years old timers who grew up out here during the forties and fifties would come drive around looking for their old home place or school yard. Mrs. Willa and Catherine C ran over one of my puppies as we hiked up the hill in my walking for exercise days. Pepper just rolled with it and jumped up to be his precious self again. Dusty the pharmacist brought some racoons out here one time and left them because they were crawling out of that gully behind College hill. My ferocious dog fought them to the death and then died himself from the wounds of battle. As I type, my grave wolfpack of four sit at attention in the front just daring hatchet man to attack. It's Friday and I'm tired. Any questions?
I've been told that I internalize things to a fault and that's really not true when it comes to what's important. I learned 30 years ago that issues not discussed turn into big problems down the road. For someone to call me out in love is an admirable thing because I've had it both ways. I've been told that I'm too nice, too fat, too thin (youlooksick) try too hard, make mistakes...and think too much. Obedience has never been a strong character trait post therapy. It's been suggested on more than one occasion that I need church in my life and I agree. The definition of church is a whole 'nother matter. I tend to take the Wesleyan view that whenever two or more are gathered in his name it's a spiritual matter. Most of my spiritual moments happened outside the building, proper. Like at work or something.
Now that I have the TV in my room it's a real treat picking out what to watch each day. Boogs and fam are in and we're doing the tribal thing with sheets over the doorless openings and towels stuffed under the outside ones to keep heat in. I swear I feel like Mary freaking Ingalls! Since it's Friday and I'm off a couple of days I feel some serious hibernation going on. Tapping on the keyboard and listening to a baby learn to communicate with his sister is not such a bad way to spend date night.
Hey big man....lemme' hold a dollar!
Friday, January 31, 2014
Thursday, January 30, 2014
tie a knot and hang on
In the spring of last year my cousin Mo had a yard sale that I went by to scoop up some free towels and whatnot. That haul included a picture of a frog done in counted cross stitch by my cousin Deb. Mo pointed it out to me knowing that I'd want that particular memory. I've moved it from room to room so that I can remember her. In the bathroom there is one of her first stained glass creations against a yellow wall that is stunning. She was serious about the craft that she learned from her father. Debbie constructed large church windows that had to be installed by truck and stuff and they stood in line for 'em. I am to the point now where everything I possess has a story and I like it that way.
When my aunt was dying of colon cancer I took my turn at sitting after hospice took over. I remember one day vividly when I was there and a nurse who was trying to insert a catheter asked me to hold the table lamp up so she could get 'er done. It was painful and Sister was already beginning to slip toward death. What is commonly referred to as a "comfort measure" is really something that helps caregivers deal with the messiness of death. There was morphine and pain patches which were hidden securely and only dispensed by the watchdogs. The thing that struck me was the view from that window by her hospital bed. Her house sat behind Dyersburg High School close enough that you could open the back door and listen to a baseball or football game. The saddest thing of all is that colon cancer is totally preventable by the use of colonoscopy for those at high risk including a family history which was very much there. She never thought it would happen to her, you know. She was a diva of the finest sort, a true Southern lady who was both beautiful and sweet. She married a rich furniture dealer who died early leaving her with a son in high school who had always gotten everything he wanted. Like my uncle who died early from drug and alcohol abuse, he has had his good days and bad but we've always been friends.
As I was heading out for home I ran into a former co-worker and we chatted about Medicare and her current status of needing a bone density test which was taking a little too long. Her fiery temper made her one heck of an ER and cardio nurse for years. One year we sang in the alto section at the Easter sunrise service together, our voices blending as they will do when you know the part well. Just checked in with the mother load only to be told that she'll call me back 'cuz she's on hold with a Memphis TV station wanting to get them to interview a local writer. When she did she told me the same thing about ten times and then rambled on about our roots. Daddy's go all the way back to Scotland with that Stafford thing. The Agee side hails from France. I told her I had to go so I can file my income tax stuff and she said she was sorry if she talked me to death. I dread the day that I don't hear that voice telling me what's up.
^j^
When my aunt was dying of colon cancer I took my turn at sitting after hospice took over. I remember one day vividly when I was there and a nurse who was trying to insert a catheter asked me to hold the table lamp up so she could get 'er done. It was painful and Sister was already beginning to slip toward death. What is commonly referred to as a "comfort measure" is really something that helps caregivers deal with the messiness of death. There was morphine and pain patches which were hidden securely and only dispensed by the watchdogs. The thing that struck me was the view from that window by her hospital bed. Her house sat behind Dyersburg High School close enough that you could open the back door and listen to a baseball or football game. The saddest thing of all is that colon cancer is totally preventable by the use of colonoscopy for those at high risk including a family history which was very much there. She never thought it would happen to her, you know. She was a diva of the finest sort, a true Southern lady who was both beautiful and sweet. She married a rich furniture dealer who died early leaving her with a son in high school who had always gotten everything he wanted. Like my uncle who died early from drug and alcohol abuse, he has had his good days and bad but we've always been friends.
As I was heading out for home I ran into a former co-worker and we chatted about Medicare and her current status of needing a bone density test which was taking a little too long. Her fiery temper made her one heck of an ER and cardio nurse for years. One year we sang in the alto section at the Easter sunrise service together, our voices blending as they will do when you know the part well. Just checked in with the mother load only to be told that she'll call me back 'cuz she's on hold with a Memphis TV station wanting to get them to interview a local writer. When she did she told me the same thing about ten times and then rambled on about our roots. Daddy's go all the way back to Scotland with that Stafford thing. The Agee side hails from France. I told her I had to go so I can file my income tax stuff and she said she was sorry if she talked me to death. I dread the day that I don't hear that voice telling me what's up.
^j^
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
poor idgie
She was lucky enough to get caught in the middle of snow and ice near Atlanta where that rarely happens. I think Alabama got its' butt froze all the way to Florida but that's okay. Idgie started out to pick up her kids at school when everything got let out early and lo and behold found herself stuck in a cheap motel with a four pack of Sutter and some road tripping kind of food. Including beanie weanies and chex mix. We first met, she and Mahala and I, when she was beginning her career as a book reviewer/southern gal who rocks. Mahala's entry as mascot for Dew on the Kudzu was a monkey and it was on! This woman went on a mad search for all things southern and I mean what's more southern than the evil piles of green waiting for dead bodies. Hat tip to Joshilyn Jackson for that mental picture.
It's stillcold frigid enough to be nipply with a slight warmup and rain in the forecast. How do I know that you ask? Because it's what we talk about at the sawmill including families and politics and religion and whatnot. Mostly families, which is kind of ironic. We miss them when we're working and don't take the time to slow down and keep the faith. My blog friend Vicki posted a picture of her great nephew who had successful surgery for neuroblastoma today. To me, this is the future of medicine and perhaps explains why I've been exploring other options. Now never fear, I won't take on brain surgery at this age BUT I can see me in an educator or consultant role. I mean, it's time I got something out of those four years of college!Life is good right now. The financial pressure is off for the moment and I have the opportunity to make a nest for myself because I'm gonna need it. It's been a long time since I watched TV in my own bed, just saying.
If ya'll want to know Idgie go visit her over at the Dew ^j^
It's still
If ya'll want to know Idgie go visit her over at the Dew ^j^
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
no news is good
I have a feeling the that the way that mainstream media created 2 generations of zombies was simply by refusing to place on their front pages "no news is good news." It's my mantra these days and the exact opposite of "if it bleeds it leads." There is a time and place for reporting tragic events but too much of that kind of drama leaves readers feeling hopeless. The only thing I find in my local rag that I didn't already know is the obituaries and the funeral homes are all online now so pretty soon their main reason for purchase will be gone. Well, that and the Kroger ads. When BG was working there I contacted the editor and sent a sample of my blog as a sort of example of how I write. Left my phone number and asked for feedback. Never got a call. I noticed there's an opening in ad selling which I could not do because I'm not wired like that. Neither are any of the other poor suckers who have tried it.
Busy busy and busy with lots of viruses floating around infecting tribes all over the world. H1N1 has reared its' head again as a reminder of just how short life can be when natural disasters or/or disease take over. I talked with a tough lady today that I've worked with for years and Thursday will be her last shift. She survived cancer treatment and continued to work just as hard as anybody who was the picture of health. She always talked about fast tracking to RN and I'm not sure if that ever happened but she's the kind of nurse you want on your side, if you know what I mean. Have a great time relaxing Connie...you've earned it!
Breaking Bad is becoming monotonous kind of like Weeds did after the 98th viewing so I've invested in Nurse Jackie and I'm really intrigued at how they managed to show the human side of both addiction and what healthcare demands of a practitioner. Sometimes I just want to smack that too good to be true husband and tell him to be a little rowdier but that's part of his never ending charm I suppose. Mr. Mom indeed! The nurse's aide with bunny scrubs is my favorite.
Plan B is coming together for Boogs and fam as I type. It's workable for now so we'll just go with the flow. I have to clean up the dining room floor which is something I've put off since having the huge sale this summer but it shall happen today or tomorrow to get ready for more stuff. Hey..we might find a few more have to have items! I do plan to take good pictures and give complete descriptions of a lot of my collectibles and just put them out there for perusal. Most of the people I dealt with this past summer were wanting stuff at dollar store prices. Most of the time I obliged them except when it came to furniture. I still have one bronze peace sign that BF sent so that will be in the collection.
Today was difficult for me emotionally and it was nothing but the grace of God that kept me with my head down, focused on getting through the day. My heart was elsewhere in the Cadi cruising toward an adventure of sorts. It's scary and good all at the same time which is a paradox, I reckon. Something different at the very least. Just talked to my mama and I could hear Daddy fussing in the background while we tried to have a relaxed conversation. She told him that I said to get his arse n the living room if he didn't like it. I mean gah.
Other than all that, I got nothing.
Busy busy and busy with lots of viruses floating around infecting tribes all over the world. H1N1 has reared its' head again as a reminder of just how short life can be when natural disasters or/or disease take over. I talked with a tough lady today that I've worked with for years and Thursday will be her last shift. She survived cancer treatment and continued to work just as hard as anybody who was the picture of health. She always talked about fast tracking to RN and I'm not sure if that ever happened but she's the kind of nurse you want on your side, if you know what I mean. Have a great time relaxing Connie...you've earned it!
Breaking Bad is becoming monotonous kind of like Weeds did after the 98th viewing so I've invested in Nurse Jackie and I'm really intrigued at how they managed to show the human side of both addiction and what healthcare demands of a practitioner. Sometimes I just want to smack that too good to be true husband and tell him to be a little rowdier but that's part of his never ending charm I suppose. Mr. Mom indeed! The nurse's aide with bunny scrubs is my favorite.
Plan B is coming together for Boogs and fam as I type. It's workable for now so we'll just go with the flow. I have to clean up the dining room floor which is something I've put off since having the huge sale this summer but it shall happen today or tomorrow to get ready for more stuff. Hey..we might find a few more have to have items! I do plan to take good pictures and give complete descriptions of a lot of my collectibles and just put them out there for perusal. Most of the people I dealt with this past summer were wanting stuff at dollar store prices. Most of the time I obliged them except when it came to furniture. I still have one bronze peace sign that BF sent so that will be in the collection.
Today was difficult for me emotionally and it was nothing but the grace of God that kept me with my head down, focused on getting through the day. My heart was elsewhere in the Cadi cruising toward an adventure of sorts. It's scary and good all at the same time which is a paradox, I reckon. Something different at the very least. Just talked to my mama and I could hear Daddy fussing in the background while we tried to have a relaxed conversation. She told him that I said to get his arse n the living room if he didn't like it. I mean gah.
Other than all that, I got nothing.
Monday, January 27, 2014
sign of the times
I was out running errands this morning and noticed a very nicely dressed young man at the intersection in heavy traffic with a bright pink posterboard sign that read "Hurt at work...lost job. Father to two young children. I rolled down the window to give him a thumbs up and told him to hang in there. His response? Please pray for me. You betcha' buddy. I can't imagine the feeling of having children depend on you for everything and not having a job to support them yet it's the same story in every city across America. Where there were formerly only homeless people out panhandling, more and more often we run across scenes of despair like this one where someone wants to work and can't find a job. It is particularly common in smaller cities like ours where the opportunities for a career in manufacturing have been cut due to outsourcing by corporate heads who are crunching the numbers all the way to the bank.
Another compliment came my way yesterday when a FB friend who never fails to poke at me about politics told me that he reads the blog and can tell what kind of person I am, in spite of my demolibtard ways. His daughter, mine and a few others were inseparable in high school. Amazing stuff, ya'll. That my words can define who I am to a reader is a blessing. I am honest to a fault and that has caused much speculation about this that and the other but ultimately I know that saying what I think and feel is a right for me as long as nobody gets hurt in the process. The US constitution says so. Same for peaceful assembly like those Occupy folks who got pepper sprayed. There is not one mean bone in my body unless I'm provoked which happens pretty often and I'm practicing the whole "act, don't REACT" thing. Success with that depends on what life has thrown at me lately.
I have made so many mistakes over the years that I could totally hang my head in shame and give up yet I never have. Nobody should, because there's only one human who ever was perfect and he had to call in everything he had to stay that way in spite of temptation. Booger and his tribe are back at their home now working on Plan B whatever that may be. They take it one day at a time. I am constantly in awe of his mama for being such a tough positive spirit in spite of all the hardships that she faces. Since her mother is gone, I'm pretty much it in the ma department and she has become my second daughter. Never saw that coming, but boy what a blessing!
The wind is whipping in from the northwest showing no mercy and it's cold cold cold. Since BG has been out, I've been sleeping in her bed which is in the back part of the house and MUCH warmer. There's still that same problem with room enough for me and 4 dogs on the bed. Oscar, who was abused once, gets really bitey if you kick him during the night. My toes have little teeth marks to prove it. He and Sammy D are always the ones who charge ahead of the pack as I yell "Get em...get every damn one of 'em!" There is absolutely zero chance of hatchet man making it into this house without my knowledge.
Stay warm. Call your mother. Keep the faith ^j^
Another compliment came my way yesterday when a FB friend who never fails to poke at me about politics told me that he reads the blog and can tell what kind of person I am, in spite of my demolibtard ways. His daughter, mine and a few others were inseparable in high school. Amazing stuff, ya'll. That my words can define who I am to a reader is a blessing. I am honest to a fault and that has caused much speculation about this that and the other but ultimately I know that saying what I think and feel is a right for me as long as nobody gets hurt in the process. The US constitution says so. Same for peaceful assembly like those Occupy folks who got pepper sprayed. There is not one mean bone in my body unless I'm provoked which happens pretty often and I'm practicing the whole "act, don't REACT" thing. Success with that depends on what life has thrown at me lately.
I have made so many mistakes over the years that I could totally hang my head in shame and give up yet I never have. Nobody should, because there's only one human who ever was perfect and he had to call in everything he had to stay that way in spite of temptation. Booger and his tribe are back at their home now working on Plan B whatever that may be. They take it one day at a time. I am constantly in awe of his mama for being such a tough positive spirit in spite of all the hardships that she faces. Since her mother is gone, I'm pretty much it in the ma department and she has become my second daughter. Never saw that coming, but boy what a blessing!
The wind is whipping in from the northwest showing no mercy and it's cold cold cold. Since BG has been out, I've been sleeping in her bed which is in the back part of the house and MUCH warmer. There's still that same problem with room enough for me and 4 dogs on the bed. Oscar, who was abused once, gets really bitey if you kick him during the night. My toes have little teeth marks to prove it. He and Sammy D are always the ones who charge ahead of the pack as I yell "Get em...get every damn one of 'em!" There is absolutely zero chance of hatchet man making it into this house without my knowledge.
Stay warm. Call your mother. Keep the faith ^j^
Sunday, January 26, 2014
nowhere to go but up
I've begun to realize that just when I start to get the least bit cocky and all about myself, Big Ernie throws me a curve to remind me just what it means to be at the bottom of the doodoo pile. The entire past week is like this movie that never ended but had a few pauses where I (tried to) slept through a few things because of combustion of internal Poopie parts, mainly my brain which controls like, only everything, emotions included. A couple of days of grief work gave me the courage to make a move that wasn't really easy today involving a request for help. The grands were napping when I walked in with daddy's allergy medicine which he's been out of for three weeks. Gotta stay on schedule, ya know. Tony had breakfast duty today since I was working. There are so many angels out there that help out of love and respect for their elders. The church delivers lunch every Monday too. That's Ms Faye's day off from cooking lunch to address other issues like laundry and whatnot.
One of my co-workers busted out today and shared a compliment that she received on me from somebody else who works with us and I was floored, to say the least. She knows that my self esteem is about 1/32 of an inch tall right now and sensed that it would help. I love it when that happens :) We have kids the same age and know everybody and their mama'n'them around the 'burg. The ones we're not kin to by blood or marriage, they're friends with somebody we know. It's a blessing and a curse to live in a small town like that. My experience has been that random acts of kindness come from the oddest and least expected places. That's faith.
There's this really strange serenity that comes from the wall when you hit it. Then it's back to step one and the whole higher power deal which is a tool that saved millions of lives over the years. What originally started as an AA tool has been used in many other support groups and the old heads from AA don't really like that because they can't relate to NA and all the other A's. Whatever, I say. The dual approach to recovery includes the twelve steps and intense therapy to work with the root causes of the addiction. There is actually a group called co-dependents anonymous which I attended several times when we had an A&D unit. The really sad thing about it was that the "person in charge" was so about herself that the rest of us got lost in the process. I spent LOTS and tons of hours reading Melody Beattie and John Bradshaw books and I sort of designed my own way of coping that includes trying not to freak out when one of my inner children comes out to stir up some shit.
Other than that life is just peachy and all the critters said hey y'all. It's really hard for me to focus on the correct spelling of that particular word mean all of you because I've always put the apostrophe in the wrong spot. Hey...so sue me.
One of my co-workers busted out today and shared a compliment that she received on me from somebody else who works with us and I was floored, to say the least. She knows that my self esteem is about 1/32 of an inch tall right now and sensed that it would help. I love it when that happens :) We have kids the same age and know everybody and their mama'n'them around the 'burg. The ones we're not kin to by blood or marriage, they're friends with somebody we know. It's a blessing and a curse to live in a small town like that. My experience has been that random acts of kindness come from the oddest and least expected places. That's faith.
There's this really strange serenity that comes from the wall when you hit it. Then it's back to step one and the whole higher power deal which is a tool that saved millions of lives over the years. What originally started as an AA tool has been used in many other support groups and the old heads from AA don't really like that because they can't relate to NA and all the other A's. Whatever, I say. The dual approach to recovery includes the twelve steps and intense therapy to work with the root causes of the addiction. There is actually a group called co-dependents anonymous which I attended several times when we had an A&D unit. The really sad thing about it was that the "person in charge" was so about herself that the rest of us got lost in the process. I spent LOTS and tons of hours reading Melody Beattie and John Bradshaw books and I sort of designed my own way of coping that includes trying not to freak out when one of my inner children comes out to stir up some shit.
Other than that life is just peachy and all the critters said hey y'all. It's really hard for me to focus on the correct spelling of that particular word mean all of you because I've always put the apostrophe in the wrong spot. Hey...so sue me.
Saturday, January 25, 2014
lean on me
Like most co-dependents I'm always there when somebody's down or needs help and expect to be treated equally when times are hard for me. Experience has taught me that not only will people turn on a dime and push you harder when you just don't have it in your soul to keep going, but they also expect you keep the big girl panties on 24/7 even when the world is caving in. I have a Willow Tree angel with two broken arms sitting here on the "altar" to remind me that even though brokenness happens, you can still keep your hands up in the air to receive goodness, preferably with open palms. There are a lot of things on my mind right now and there's probably not one single person that I know who can relate enough, or is willing, to help me through it. I recognize this passage as one that is guided by God and for the best yet it's still heavy on my heart.
I gave up long ago on putting up the brave front because that's the equivalent of emotional suicide. That I feel it, say it and try to move on is something that most people don't realize is a big part of my personality post therapy. And honestly? There are times that I wish I had never done the work and was oblivious to feelings both good and bad. Sometimes life is easier that way, ya know? Expect nothing and you're never disappointed. In some ways I think maybe it's the reality sinking in one more time that life is not fair and in this day and time it's tough to be anybody except the top 1% and lord knows I'm not alone. Loyalty means nothing. If I had things to do over I would have given less to my job and more to my family, especially my young daughter. Instead I chose to keep on trucking at the sawmill even when she was sick or needed me. I did it for a long time until it was expected and then there was much drama when I drew a line in the sand which wasn't too long ago. Once again, my bad for not claiming it before I turned into a stark raving idiot.
There are very few times that I miss having a partner because life is full of loving dogs and whatnot. About the loneliest feeling I know is wanting somebody to hold me while I cry and knowing that there's nobody there but me and the canine population plus the bitch cat who knocks everything off of whatever surface she's prowling on. I'm pretty sure Sammy D has heart worms yet I can't afford the treatment. Hell I can barely afford my own meds even with the 4 buck list at my pharmacy. Thank you big pharm! While you've been busy protecting your patents and schmoozing the doctor offices, we're slowing dying on the vine out here. Better living through chemistry my ass.
There are projects in my head on a mental to do list but right now I don't have the will to even think about them and how long I've put those things off. More shame and guilt, no? Mostly I just feel exhausted, both emotionally and physically. My shoulder still ain't back to normal but it's much much better, thank you sweet baby jeebus. I suppose you could call this one of my whinier posts because I focus really hard on not doing that and staying positive. Sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes the bug. I guess I'm the bug at this point in time. Ya'll please don't get the toxic spray after...I promise this too shall pass.
I gave up long ago on putting up the brave front because that's the equivalent of emotional suicide. That I feel it, say it and try to move on is something that most people don't realize is a big part of my personality post therapy. And honestly? There are times that I wish I had never done the work and was oblivious to feelings both good and bad. Sometimes life is easier that way, ya know? Expect nothing and you're never disappointed. In some ways I think maybe it's the reality sinking in one more time that life is not fair and in this day and time it's tough to be anybody except the top 1% and lord knows I'm not alone. Loyalty means nothing. If I had things to do over I would have given less to my job and more to my family, especially my young daughter. Instead I chose to keep on trucking at the sawmill even when she was sick or needed me. I did it for a long time until it was expected and then there was much drama when I drew a line in the sand which wasn't too long ago. Once again, my bad for not claiming it before I turned into a stark raving idiot.
There are very few times that I miss having a partner because life is full of loving dogs and whatnot. About the loneliest feeling I know is wanting somebody to hold me while I cry and knowing that there's nobody there but me and the canine population plus the bitch cat who knocks everything off of whatever surface she's prowling on. I'm pretty sure Sammy D has heart worms yet I can't afford the treatment. Hell I can barely afford my own meds even with the 4 buck list at my pharmacy. Thank you big pharm! While you've been busy protecting your patents and schmoozing the doctor offices, we're slowing dying on the vine out here. Better living through chemistry my ass.
There are projects in my head on a mental to do list but right now I don't have the will to even think about them and how long I've put those things off. More shame and guilt, no? Mostly I just feel exhausted, both emotionally and physically. My shoulder still ain't back to normal but it's much much better, thank you sweet baby jeebus. I suppose you could call this one of my whinier posts because I focus really hard on not doing that and staying positive. Sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes the bug. I guess I'm the bug at this point in time. Ya'll please don't get the toxic spray after...I promise this too shall pass.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)