runnin' down a dream

My boundaries are getting tested at every turn and lately I'm glad to have 'em. Today at the sawmill was a snooze and I was so pissed that the electricity was out when Charles Osgood came on. Of course I taped it but....One of the things that my therapist Bev used to be curious about was my addiction to self help books. She asked me one time "But what do you read for fun?" That was way before I discovered Stephanie and Lula and I was totally stumped over it. At that point in my life I need John Bradshaw, Scott Peck and Melody Beattie to help me keep it in the middle of the road. Hard work ya'll. You gotta wanna'. Tonight is the premiere of Dr. Drew's rehab and we're hooked on that kinda thing, especially with him. Dr Phil got us headed in that direction ;) Most of what they've televised is celebrity stuff but I feel that more random folks will be showing up like the ones who clog up our ERs with their drug seeking ways. I can honestly say that's one thing I've never done. Unless it's a kidney stone or heart attack, I'll tough it out on the hill with OTC. I know how addicts work.

Substance abuse in this country is a huge problem due to the gigantic pharm industry and lack of funding for mental health. It is much more profitable to treat mental health issues with drugs than to get down to the root cause of an individual's pain. Factor in that most people at the poverty level can't even afford a PCP and depend on state and federally funded groups for treatment and there ya go. A whole helluva lot of depressed people with a lot of justified anger. Hell, I've got a good job and I'm mad! I'm not talking about the straight up addicts who are on a fast track to the morgue. I'm speaking to intervention in the current generation of children who are entirely too preoccupied with their own little selves. Honey Boo Boo, my ass. This is particularly applicable to the state of Tennessee where the largest city with a rich history has turned into a whole lot of ghetto.

I do not believe in entitlements to those who are working the system on my dime. Yet that includes nobody that reads this blog because they're too busy hustling the government or the local church secretary or whomever. I believe that the electronic medical record is way past due and was held back by people who had a huge financial stake in the upgrade. Same with a cure for cancer other than chemo and radiation. Don't tell me all of these big medical centers with research centers can't figure it out. Preventive care is where it's at, bottom line. What wasn't even considered a public health issue 25 years ago has turned into a condition that I must monitor with twice yearly PAP smears. Meanwhile, hospitals are filled with foreign doctors as hospitalists tending to the steady flow of chronically ill patients who live in the immediate area. Much of those health problems could be solved through education and intervention but, well. That doesn't MAKE money.

Mammograms should be free, or at least less than the light bill. Early detection is imperative for that particular form of the disease. So is family history and lifestyle. Because of my love for beer malt beverages I'm at a bit of a higher risk and also they're kinda on the big side. Which is why I faithfully turn up every year where my friend Martha squishes the devil out of the girls. I've seen the alternative and it ain't pretty, except for Cindy, bless her heart. My friend Sue has told me umpteen stories about her and when I met her it was as if we were lifelong buddies. Cute.As.Pie.

We've cooked two nights in a row so it's time to wash dishes and eat leftovers. I'm ALMOST through all the frames I brought up to clean and my partner in the barnwood deal is about to be done with his current project so there's hope for Christmas presents yet. It's not Halloween yet so my dressing isn't even beginning to be in the freezer, but the bread is by golly. All it needs is some chicken stock and fixings. It's my yearly goal to beat Kay to the punch with that task.

This is birthday time for my nephew, niece and brother. I rarely mention them because they're all copyright protected and whatnot. I did pin the boy's pic on our bulletin board at work where the ancient memories and current happies are posted. His little sister is a smiling angel with clouds of chocolate curls surrounding her dimpled face. And their father is my baby brother, as close as siblings can be all those miles apart. There was a period of years when we were in respective therapy that Bev just said "You folks need to follow your dreams." And we did.

Off for a couple of days here and looking forward to it. I may have to work next Saturday just to make it up on my check but what the heck. It's not like Sugardaddy is lurking around tempting me with offers. Me and a friend were talking about boyfriends today in the dark ( long story ) and we both decided we wanted one when we want one but then want him to go away for awhile. That's what cougars do, ya know?

Keep the faith ^j^

conflicted

There are a whole helluva lot of folks who get their jollies by being in a constant state of drama. Since this isn't reality usually, they stir the pot just to see who jumps then move onto the next potential adrenaline producing situation. Worry, worry and more worry with a generous side of tsk and cluck. Honey, growing up in the south we know our drama what with all the crazy relatives and skeletons that fall out of dusty old closets in ancient farmhouses. There is this evil rag of a website called topix that serves as fodder for anybody in the mood to hurl an insult. No fact checker on that bitch either. THAT..should be against the law.

The job hunt began today and BG said she listened to Neil Young's "Old Man" while she was applying around online. I have a killer playlist on Spotify with everything from Willie to Waylon and Josh Groban too. Also a Michel W Smith fan, there are several of his and a whole bunch of Adele and all the other gutsy female singers who preceded her. Thanks nerds...it doesn't take much to make this old gal happy! My day at the sawmill was steady with not much downtime. And the air was out...sigh. At least it's not ninety degrees. Our switchboard operator Miss Hazel retired yesterday after fifty six years on duty and she had a big party. I'll be like her...still working way past retirement time until a new system comes along to take the place of my (sometimes) smiling face. By then Congress will have agreed to work together for the benefit of the generation that funded Social Security and Medicare before the job market went belly up. Either that or we'll all be trying to dodge the next bullet. Either way, I want my damn money.

Speaking of small town drama, we're all still kinda curious about what happened to the young lady last October who was found two months later in the kudzu next to the cross. Lots of rumors and speculation on what's up with no arrest made after a year. That's another thing about small town politics and corruption...there are tentacles everywhere. Back in the day I must say the Democrats of Dyer county were the ones giving away food and liquor to buy votes. Republicans just worked it in church and at the Kiwanis club with their sweet little wives standing by their men all the way to the voting booth. As we say in the south "how niiiice".

Two of four dogs rolled in something that smells like death today so they're grounded until they air out. Corporate has come and gone and I never knew it except for word of mouth. In their universe, this is just another spot on the real estate map. I do believe that the current leadership team has a kind and gentle vision for this wildlife sanctuary. I'm glad I lived long enough to see that happen. It helps me keep the faith ^j^

and so it goes

Somehow my feeble mind managed to get logged out of Google and forget the way back which means that I've been silent for a few days. Not a bad thing, on occasion, by any means. The way things have been going, it would have all been whining anyway. As weeks go, this has been a real challenge even in OUR little world. I have purposely avoided most news and focused exclusively on piddling and sorting, always the one with great ideas but plan that might never materialize. Presumably that's why I'm more of an artist and scientist rather than administrative type. We went scrapping through an old storage house here on the farm, searching for memories and finding quite a few. I drug home a shitload of green glass dishes (not depression, dangit) and a scrapbook from when my mama and her siblings were young and all was well. We also loaded up a freakin' anvil in my trunk which brought 4.40 at the scrap yard. My favorite teller at the bank told me not to spend it all in one place and I didn't. Three bucks went for toothpaste and the rest is jingling somewhere. Today is payday so it's all good for the moment.

BG is between jobs again so we spent yesterday hauling the grands around to their respective hair appointments and getting groceries and meds. By the time we were on the way home, me and Daddy were in the backseat with BG driving Miss Janice. Their groceries and her walker were all under my feet so I ended up in this kind of yoga like stretch with my right leg above mom's head. Fun times! You have never seen three people more happy to have food in the house than us here on the hill. Dollar menu takeout just doesn't get it in the long run. Our new roomie has claimed Ryder as his own and feeds her separately so that Oscar won't bully her. It's so funny because she's as big as a small deer but doesn't realize she could kick his little terrier ass. She CRIES like the six month old baby that she is. A friend was out picking apples the other day and immediately asked if she had "some great dane" in her. Um, you bet!

After several months of intense sorting and pitching my house is beginning to resemble something like organized chaos. The dining room table is now in the office covered with pieces of projects. Oh, and the queen size bed frame is in the dining room with a bunch of boxes pushed against the walls. Hey...we can walk and for that I'm grateful. It's been kind of touch and go with me getting up in the night and navigating around the giant doggy bed that used to be a couch cushion, but I'm about to get it worked out with only one broken toe. Both attic and basement are empty for the most part with only a few things remaining that are too heavy to deal with unless there's a group. There is a saddle for the horse that hasn't been ridden in years but is still happily munching on granny smith apples most days.

It's rather eerie the way I just don't worry about things anymore because really? In the grand scheme of what's going on in the world my problems are quite small. I have a nice place to live, food, a loving family and lots of friends. I have a good job, which I bitch about often but wouldn't trade for anything. Most importantly, I have myself back. For years I have lived my life to meet the needs of others because I really had never defined my own. Even after therapy I was a walking talking co-dependent who continued to project my issues onto others and take theirs as my own. No boundaries, ya'll. It feels good to be behind an invisible line.

Yesterday's giggle du jour came when we unloaded Mom at the beauty shop and Daddy took off up the ramp WITH HER WALKER leaving her at the bottom. We have come to appreciate moments like this for what they are and laugh because it's either that or cry. I choose smiles.

^j^

happy birthday BG!

Twenty eight years ago today I was laid up in the labor room at the sawmill getting a pit drip because I had been having contractions for two days already and was OVER the whole deal. It took several hours for epidural time to come so it was touch and go for me and baby daddy. He was quite supportive, in his own way, and we had attended pre-natal classes together to get ready for the big event. Nothing could have ever prepared me for the experience. You just have to live it. There was a pizza party going on in the waiting room that included my parents and some friends. By 10PM BG was a living person and laying on my arms as I peered into her little eyes. Due to the extended period of labor she had been meconium stained meaning that she was in stress and ready to get OUT of there. The doc offered fifteen more minutes of pushing and I chose forceps. Get 'her done!!! I pity those who go through that alone because it takes a village. You would be amazed at how many folks come into and go out of this world without another living soul who cares.

As a child, she was spoiled rotten because she was not just our only child but the only grandkid as well. Talk about some major good times with the grands! She rode the tractor with Daddy and made cookies with Mom, all the stuff that creates great memories. A congenitally missing tooth made her quite ashamed to smile and there was a period of years that I never saw it prior to the bridge and after the braces. Her childhood was rearranged early when her father and I divorced when she was nine. We got back together later, but divorced again during her senior year. That's when the real struggle started. She attended the local community college and found out after a brief course in nursing that she just wasn't cut out for that. Three years later while working a full time graveyard shift job, she got a degree in social work. Thanks to the post Bush economy, she's working at a local country store and loving every minute of it.

When she turned eighteen I made a video using pics and "In My Daughter's Eyes" as the background. I still cry when I watch her grow up and know that she is her mama's child, and her daddy's too. She is who she is and I'm humbled to have been a part of that. A gift from Big Ernie? You bet your sweet ass.

^j^

pregnant pause

Honestly, my fingers and mind have had very little to say lately which is sort of unusual. I blame it on lingering vertigo and indignant Muslims, not necessarily in that order. That's kind of old news now as everybody shutters their embassies and hauls ass out of the area which probably means we're way ahead of that withdrawal timeline. Hey...worse things could happen than having our military here concentrating on homeland security. If we are to spend the rest of our lives sacrificing career military folks to an ancient tribal war that can never be won then I'd just as soon go hide in a cave somewhere. Once again, the similarities to Vietnam are strong and repeating themselves. Ten years worth of our best have been to hell and back and are trying to deal with the PTSD that haunts every veteran who has seen more than Big Ernie ever intended.

My mama is blind so her major entertainment is listening to books on tape or CD. The other day we were on the way home from the doc when she asked daddy to remind her to call the state agency that sends out the books. She wanted that "50 shades of grey one". I about choked as I was driving through the 'burg and told her it was kind of a dirty book. She said "Oh, no...it's about FIVE generations of ......" We have giggled over that like little kids ever since. I told her that even my co-workers get embarrassed reading it around other people. We stopped by the loca DQ for some dilly bars and headed to the house where our current roomie had actually mowed the yard. As days in paradise go, that one qualifies! The weather is sublime. I can honestly say I've never been so glad to see a summer end, yet I say that every year. Does not do heat well, ya'll.

Work is work and I'm glad to have a decent job at this point in time. The cotton is getting ready for the picker, a sea of white and brown with short but decent stalks. Up next to my yard is awesome! The colors are starting up, first with Virginia creeper and poison ivy and later with everything else. This farm is a sight to behold in October. Corporate will be here soon to look at the lay of the land and I think they'll be pleased. My brother is an excellent manager, particularly since he's lived on the place for 54 years. That kind of experience is hard to come by. Either he or my father have been employed as stewards of this land since 1956 when I was a year old. Yep. I don't get out much.

So, as my therapist would say "Here's the thing." Everybody has an opinion about what is right and wrong and it's all good because nobody here on earth is the absolute truth. Big Ernie gave us quite intelligent minds to figure out how to deal with shit like inequality and lack of honesty in interpersonal dealings. The current political system addresses neither of these issues OR the glaring disregard of the feds for our personal freedoms. When your home government has agencies that do stuff that NOBODY knows about, it's time to hunker down.

I will vote, oh YES INDEED I will cast my vote because it is my right. Mine will cancel out the one of my friend's dad who is a raging tea party freak and so proud of it he even has a flag! I feel sure I'll pay five bucks to see Jon Stewart and O'Reilly do their thing. And then, it will be time for Santa Claus. The past few years around here have been incredibly lean with hugs and candy replacing any sort of bought and wrapped gifts. There is always a tree though, decorated with almost sixty years worth of memories. Money can't buy you that, only living.

My friend Two Dogs is getting married Saturday which just happens to be BG's birthday so I'm figuring we'll combine celebrations and throw down. A native American, she explained to me how an Indian woman would name her child after the first thing she saw following the delivery, thus all the wolf and sky references. Two dogs is short for what they were doing, which is f**cking. Hey..you can't make this shit up.

Happy hump day to all ya'll and your momma'n'them.

sick day

It takes a lot to put me to bed but yesterday it wasn't a choice but a necessity to keep from throwing up every 5 minutes. By the time I got home from buying AC filters and allergy meds, I was wobbling so bad I barely made it to BG's bed where I lay, on and off, until the nausea went away late afternoon. Miserable ain't the word ya'll. What started as a three day crying jag last weekend progressed through a week of cotton spraying and corn plowing until it finally took me down. The toxicity of those chemicals is such that you can taste it in your mouth as it hangs in the air for a few days. Ragweed is in full bloom as are all the other little spots of color. Mucinex is a wonder drug, just saying. So is singulair. Vertigo is not for sissies.

I feel like I'm coming out of a fog which I suppose is true. The past week was quite heavy emotionally for a lot of people including Jacob's family and friends. I cannot imagine being 19 years old and carrying the coffin of your best friend. Happens more and more though with multiple wars raging. I'm praying that Big Ernie has a plan for all this drama because it's pretty damn scary for the 99.9% of us peaceful inhabitants to be held hostage by extremists on both sides. The media plays a large role in that and should be held accountable. To yank that video from YouTube after half the world has watched it would be beside the point. The point is one con-man who hates Muslims found a war to start anarchy and hasn't been charged with a thing. He supposedly is on probation with the feds and goes by several aliases while producing porn and whatnot. I try not to wish harmful things on anybody, but I'd like to see a rocket launched to take both him AND Terry Jones out with one poof. That is not the god I know, people. Take the camera off of some of the bad shit and tell a happy story. Use your power to end wars and make peace, not incite violence.

My personal opinion is at this point all but military presence in the offended countries should be ended until further notice. Screw a bunch of trying to keep the embassy standing. They DO NOT want us there and will do anything to prove it. Enough. Enough. ENOUGH!!! Somebody has to be the one to sit first at the table with humility and talk about the big picture or we all end up dead. Those people are having conversations now that weren't possible prior to this year and Arab Spring. Iran has nuclear? Don't give them reason to hate our country enough to use it here. Do not strike first but be prepared and carry a big stick. Had we been protecting our homeland for the past decades, this wouldn't be happening now.

Me and the grands went to you know where this morning and had you know what. It's so freakin' predictable. Mom suggested going somewhere else and daddy said "unh unh" so there you go. Eggs it is! We meandered on over to the dollar store and picked up a few (non)essentials that the just had to have and then it was towards the lane in the trusty old Camry. She should really have a name. Any suggestions? I know I've called her bitch on several occasions but I really didn't mean it. It took the miracle of several friends at the Toyota dealership to allow me to keep that car following a known oil gel issue. My cousin pushed through engine replacement right before the warranty went. Thanks Kenny! Love you forever.