codependent

I first learned about it when I was in therapy many moons ago.  My tough ass little therapist grilled me and challenged me for about two years.  When sbe cut me loose there was one last question for me.  "Why are you holding on to that extra weight?"  And honestly, I didn't know.  She suggested that perhaps it was my way of not having to deal with men.  Who knows.  

I was shedding my old skin with family and trying to find myself again.  The first thing the therapist did was have me draw a bunch of things that make me happy.  There was a Christmas tree and a musical note and even flowing water.  I had pretty much lost the joy of these things because I was too busy trying to run the world.  It's funny now, but not back then!

My daughter was about four years old I think.  We moved that year to the farm.  So many fond memories from growing up here, for both she and me.  I was reminded the other day of a strange thing that happened when I first started studying end of life care.  EK Ross was my heroine so I reached out and mailed her a letter.  A family member responded and told me that she had died.  For some reason, I took that as a sign to study what people go through on the way to acceptance of death.  

Back in the day there was this big project in Missoula, Montana.  Led by Ira Byock, a team of researchers studied patients who were at the end of life in order to improve palliative care.  The terms hospice and palliative care are really not that different except for drugs.  I do not want to die struggling for breath and in pain like so many others I've seen.  But I cannot control that.  All I can do is play the hand I've been dealt. 

So, back to codependcy.  I have decided that is what Trump has with a strong dose of narcissism as well.  He is totally dependent on approval that he just makes shit up in spite of hard evidence.  If I hear Biden's name used ONE MORE TIME I might shoot my eye out.  If the current administration is so wonderful, why are we where we are?  Trade gone. Militarization of the government.  Karoline, for god's sake.  It's all such a circus I've had to scale back on the stuff.  Whatever happens will be there in the morning.

That rain yesterday upped the humidity again to 77%.  Can you say "muggy"? It's about five degrees cooler but sticky out there.  The neighbor got his yard mowed today and the corn keeps on growing.  All is well on the farm.  My scale back on hard news has resulted in more new things to help me heal.  I was that person for a lot of years.  Still trying to be everything to the world.  One of the cardinal signs of CoD is undying loyalty.  Let that one sink in.

At several points in my life, I have allowed things to take the real Janie away.  At my job, with my family and even with friends.  I avoid conflict, even when it is appropriate.  Being so driven to achieve peace, I found myself in the middle of a whole bunch of drama both in my work and personal life.  That's what we do....trying to fix.

I read every Melody Beattie book I could get my hands on back then.  And I began to grow some boundaries, so to speak.  She died earlier this year too.  All of that is to say this:  If one truly believes in being present in the moment, then we can learn something about others.

Tiger lilly is in full bloom which is typical for almost the 4th.  I remember when my old family friend Annie and I took her brother Nelson to a nursing home one Indepence Day long ago.  He lived about three months there before his cancer got him.  Nelson and Margaret were fixtures in my life as a child.  Margaret was a short stout woman who babysat us and made the best chocolate pie in the world.  Nelson would cook pork in a pit for the 4th of July and tend to it all night long. 

I'm going long today because sometimes it's just good to ramble.  Except when you are a world leader who obviously doesn't care about his people.  Then it's the definitive word according to some people like the minions.  Emil Bovi and Miller are really scary to listen to.  Yikese!

So hopefully somebody will cook me some BBQ butt, the way Noler used to.  He and his buddies worked BBQ benefits for locals who needed the help.  Moody Wadley was the sponsor for a very long time.  Now we have a community event once a year on the square.  Volunteers rock. 

We will need a lot of volunteers in the future when our healthcare system collapses due to Medicaid cuts.  Your little convenient hospital, especially if you are in a rural area, will shrivel and die.  That means traveling longer to get immedite attention.  Think about it.  Hospitals depend on whatever payment they can get.  Both for and not for profits depend on payment for services.  They can't just give it away, right?  This is where church health centers are a life saver.  Faith based healthcare iniatives are crucial in meeting people where they are and managing care.  

Well I gotta' go see what is going on in the Senate.  Y'all be blessed^j^