Sunday, June 24, 2012

corn patch blues

Summer in the south is never complete without fresh picked sweet corn. Our neighbor David who is in charge of "homeland security" has a patch right behind his raggedy ass trailer with the upside down door facing Samaria Bend. We asked why he did that (it's just propped over the hole) and he said that's so he could see out while laying on the couch just in case he needs to shoot somebody. As we pulled out of his drive laden with ears, he bowed in a Ghandi looking pose with his little bald head and folded hands.

Daddy's rituals are what he lives for and if any one little thing is out of order, it just blows his mind. Last night while getting clothes ready for church he dropped his wallet and couldn't find it this morning. Usually he's sittin' on the porch waiting for my brother to take him to church and Bubba found it odd that he wasn't in his usual perch. He found him upstairs tearing apart his room trying to find the damn wallet. Never did turn up, so he and I looked again when we got home from the doughnut place. I was ready to give up, but he wasn't so I made one more peek under the bed and under clothes and found that puppy just in time before he lost all sensibility. To say that we can get you another debit card/license/whatever to this man is NOT an option.

We swam yesterday at Gigi's and enjoyed a nice breeze and the cool water and quiet. Conner was the only kid so we cheered him on when he swam across the pool by himself and caught up on gossip. Gigi had to work which is a double edged sword....she desperately needs to rest but is grateful for the business as she is self-employed and never knows when a drought in the housing market will hit.

Now all I need are some fried green 'maters.


Wednesday, June 20, 2012


That's what my BP was today at the nurse practitioner's office. Holy.Moly. Last time I was there, she put me on a med that worked like a charm but costs 50 bucks a month GENERIC. Needless to say, that's not in the budget, so I've been going without. Much to my surprise I found that what I've been taking all these years prior to switching to her is nothing more than a diuretic which doesn't do much for the primary cause of the hypertension. Bless her heart, she works with me on what's affordable and we're trying samples of something else to see if it works as well, then go from there for possible free or reduced price scripts from the manufacturer. She also tweaked the SRUI and added something that works with it to help me keep my sanity. Which ain't easy! All this time I've been thinking that mom's date with the cardiologist was at 1PM today and we showed up right on time, only to be told it was at 2. Reschedule, please. Then to the beauty shop for her weekly do and BG is picking her up on the return side. I'm just sittin' here trying to decompress and let the old BP settle down.

It's my third day off and I haven't been still much at all, or even cleaned. Mostly I've just darted from here to there trying to, if not stay ahead, at least not chase my tail. I stopped to visit Yaya on the way home and she had the same look as me...deer in the headlights overload. Yesterday I visited with my oldest friend from church nursery days and we got caught up on each others' lives. As a funeral director/hospital peeps combo we can have some pretty damn interesting conversations! Mostly we just talk about who's doing who and how the babies are. Her eldest daughter joined us for bacon sandwiches and it was just like old home week. Then I headed to GiGis pool to cool off and catch up with her.

Meanwhile back on the hill, the dirty dishes are stacked sky high and the floors are a mess. Farm equipment is moving here and there hauling the bales of hay that were cut from the edges of the fields. Very wise use of the land, by the way. I stopped by the ruins of the Plaza food store the other day and got some heirloom glass blocks and yellow brick that will be used in gifts featuring that historic building. It's one of the steps I'm taking to make positives out of negatives like the flood that destroyed that section of town. Karma is a powerful thang, dontcha know?

Sunday, June 17, 2012

this one's for you

I've never had a particular paranoic personality unless you count the time prior to which I learned that co-dependency is a much most suitable name. I've known people that think when somebody's whispering, it's all about them. Anna's bacherlorette party went all up in a bar with toy balloon sculptures on their heads and this chick at the bar freaked SMOOTH out....had to leave. I mean really, I've seen all kinds of odd things in bars, not the least of which are children. And exotic birds and monkeys. The first time we went on a family Gulf coast vacation, my buddy at EMS told me to check out FloriBama. We stopped in to see what was up and found a liquor store with a big ass deck over the water. And two little girls. Exit, stage left!

Lorna and I visited yesterday and in spirit, ethereal friend was there too. Both of 'em are on missions that involve Florida and a purpose. Ethereal Friend from here on after will be ET because that's too many keystrokes. Love ya. Mean it! Let's go do the drum thing over in North Carolina. Maybe John Edwards needs a videographer? Happy trails to both of my friends on their journeys and many prayers for good karma.

A large chunk of south Dyersburg concrete has been cleared of flood debris from two years ago. That's exactly how long I've lived in a food desert with nothing closer than 10 miles by car to fresh food. I was ready to grow some shit until the whole mama drama popped up. It's never too late to plan. Our farmer's market is thriving as a marketplace and while there are kinks now and then mostly it's a fun thing to do. Music...fresh produce and an opportunity to visit with friends. There are old pals that I don't see but once a year at veggie stands. Permenter's in Finley is big and has large volumes during peak grow season. I remember the year that Kimowasi worked there and wore long sleeves in the summer heat. She quickly moved on to pizza seller. Her son Tripp is just as much of a pistol as she, much like Conner and Andrea Marie Agresta. High five to every bitch who ever got into the madness with us and laughed like a freakin' idiot. And of course that won't change now, will it? Lauren and I have watched Bridesmaids ten or more times while she's been in training. I mean, if you consider that the worst that can happen is you throw up bad TexMex all over THAT bitch's place, the rest is just details.

I laughed uncontrollably when I got back with the camera at Anna propped in a recliner with this big poofy dress up around her shoulders. Gettin' her rest on before all the smiling and whatnot. I cannot even imagine trying to walk in that bitch! Always the purposeful girl, she just forgot to pick it up while she walked. Natalie was beautiful and let her sit on the steps and play with the silk petals. There were Hispanic Chicago family members who see each other MAYBE once a year. All their parents were there which was a miracle, if you know what I mean. What really struck me was the bubble blowing after as they exited the church. It was hot as hades out there on Christie street and those bubbles hit the rays of the sun in just such a way that seemed magical and a promise from Big Ernie. And all of this with a good old fashioned southern blessing. You can't beat that with a stick ^j^

Saturday, June 16, 2012

tick or treat

Often you will see women running their fingers through their locks as if to look sexy and whatnot. With me, it's a sure sign that the hunt is on for ticks! I hate hate HATE 'em and will probably end up with Lyme epizoodie or some such disease because we're infested with them. That's right even with heat and humidity in my "why I don't love summer" book. When "they" say, in reference to the South..."it's not the heat it's the humidity" there is a lot of truth within a phrase. Ticks like that too, of course. Never mind that we have four dogs going in and out a revolving door. That couldn't have a thing to do with it right? Here's my sign. They just don't get it that because they have critters catching a ride on their backs(and faces and ears) that they need to stay out in the heat. Spoiled rotten, I say. All four of 'em sacked out on the furniture.

As luck would have it, the AC in the room where the girls are getting dressed for the wedding is on the fritz so I hauled a fan up in there awhile ago only to find that there's no outlet in the room. Ahem. I also had to retrieve the phone battery so that I could be connected to reality for a bit and have an alarm for in the AM. Wedding is at five thirty and they're all surprisingly calm so far. BG said she herself tuned up at the rehearsal, but she's a real softie about stuff such as that, just like her mama.

I was pondering on the way home how one eighth of a tank of petrol was gonna' last for a week and once again found the answer in my mailbox. Thanks to my blog fairy I have a CHANCE not to go into payday with OD charges. We shall see! Stranger things have happened, ya know?

The wedding was beautiful by the way. More later^j^

Friday, June 15, 2012

wedding bells

BG and company are on the road to decorating for tomorrow's big wedding while I hang out under the AC pondering life. There are tractors here and there and crop dusters making their way over the fields of cotton and corn. TALL corn, by the way. I've got the cotton view this year which means I can see past the yard but corn kicks in halfway down the hill. There is something about those perfect neatly groomed rows that just makes me happy, and I don't have a clue why. Must be the artist in me. I do drive slowly through the alley of corn so as not to be surprised by a deer darting out from among the rows. I've almost nailed a few that way.

We swam at Gigi's yesterday enjoying the peace and quiet, only occasionally moving out of the water to grab a cold one. The last week of spring '12 is going out with a heat wave. Ya'll know how I feel about that...meh. I've got meds picked up and counted for next week at the grands' and also picked up a knee brace for that wobbly causer of all her recent problems. Since surgery isn't an option, she has to learn to deal with what's left in that knee, which isn't much. Home health still comes and they are pleased with her progress. On Monday the three of us will visit the doc and see what's up.

Anna's wedding is just as I knew it would be, a big mixture of nerves, emotions and fiery personalities coming together to join she and Steve as husband and wife. They have been together for many years, and their son Conner is like our own. She had a very difficult delivery with him and lost a BUNCH of blood necessitating a couple of transfusions and lots of doctor visits for him. Since then, they have been poster children for the Dyer County Volunteer Blood Program with Conner himself winning a pizza party for his class by recruiting the most donors. They were featured in a video presentation shortly after his birth, with Anna sharing how she wouldn't be alive without the generosity of volunteer blood donors. If anybody wants to see me dressed up, show up at that church because I guarantee it's a rarity!

BG has the phone today so I hope the world doesn't end because I'd never get the call. Hopefully when I get paid next week we can get a new battery for hers so we're not sharing. We've rebooted those phones about a hundred times in the past few days moving that single battery back and forth between us. Gotta love it...that's how we roll! The utility bill is due two days before the drop, so I'm working the puzzle that is making it all fit somehow. Kinda sorta'.

It's my weekend at the sawmill but I don't even mind since I got called off yesterday from that shift we all hate. Instead, I got to go swimming and hang with my daughter. Ethereal friend dropped by late in the day and we visited and talked about this that and the other. She's beginning to re-think her TX move after being reminded about what a conservative oil driven state it is. That doesn't set well with her ethereal side, if you know what I mean. She has a chance to house sit in Miami so I think that will happen first. That girl does get around!

BG is still job hunting, but then so are about a kazillion other people so she's not alone in it. The economy is as bad as I've ever seen it in my lifetime since I was born after the depression. One of the memories that I saved from my great grandmother is a ration book for gasoline from the WWII era. Priceless. Now there's plenty of it and we pay out the ass! Go figure the trickle down theory on that one.

I shall refrain from bitching commenting on the upcoming elections because I'm still mad for a number of reasons, not the least of which being that Mitt Romney and Bain do what they do. I do not think that President Obama is responsible for the mess we're in and I respect his decision to draw down troops in a senseless war that has killed thousands. Who then, is responsible, if not the chief executive? Umm...I believe it's those warring parties who can't get their priorities straight and lose sight of the middle class voters who elect them. Shame on ya'll. Big Ernie is not amused.

Ya'll be careful out there and drink plenty of gatorade ^j^

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

under the radar

I started out the day with a tear in my eye while hugging my friend as she left to go face what's left of her marriage and try to figure things out. She has tried so hard to be a good wife and mother to kids that are NOT hers, pretty much without their father's support. During that time, her only son deployed to Iraq with the Army which was one more stress. For a solid year she never completely relaxed, never knowing when that phone call might come. She even enlisted herself, and began bootcamp..just to show her support. I pleaded with her not to go, because that put both of 'em in harm's way. Steven was on search and rescue duty one day, in his usual position when his partner Sean switched with him because of an upcoming incline. Sean was killed while his buddy freaked, and he returned to the US a changed man forever. Following the funeral and his return to Iraq, he and Sean's widow stayed in touch and helped each other grieve. She was pregnant and needed to feel her late husband's presence in some way. That, my friends, is where duty ended and love began. Another child..this one a due this year. If I didn't know that was a true story, I'd make it up just because I'm such a sucker for love. But it is, and it's played out over and over again as vets return from a thankless war and an ungrateful government. A large majority of our voters believe it's time to call it, if not "quits" at least plan get the hell out as safely and quickly as possible. While we're chasing the Jihad over there, the Asians are setting their sites on us. Plus a whole lot more people who hate the "western" ways. You don't like our ways? Fine then, do it your way. But please don't blow the shit out of innocent people just to make a point. Same goes for big dude over there in Syria. ENOUGH already!

The sawmill is gettin' interesting what with new admins and changes out in the other areas of our 'hood. We were busy as a cat covering up poop today and I had my first cry after I talked to the ever patient propane guy and he was so nice I was humbled. I explained to him where I'd been the past year and he understood why I put him on the back burner. That's the nice thing about self employed people....they can try harder with the ones who are really trying back. One of the things about our society that I detest is the way entitlement has worked its' way into a couple of generations since the concept first appeared to save our economy post WWII. There is nothing racist about that belief, because users come in all creeds and colors. They're the ones who will learn the ropes of sorely overburdened governmental agencies and ride them like a zipline to the meth or crack house closest to their lab. When the whole thing blows up, the landlord is responsible for hazmat cleanup which runs about thirty thousand. For every really sick patient seeking healthcare services, there are ten more who just want drugs. Emergency rooms are the go-to place because in rural areas, there are rarely 24/7 urgent care clinics. Ours closes at 9.

That the major export from Mexican cartels now is meth and heroin, I am deeply disturbed that some badass decided to go bust all the pot shops where home grown product was monitored and taxed locally as approved by taxpayers. Hey..didn't any of ya'll watch Weeds???? There will always be a tunnel because some poor sucker thinks it's better on the other side of the Rio Grande or Lake Michigan or whatever. And I69 which has been called the "road to NAFTA" will finish up the job, if it's ever completed. Let's call it Clinton highway.

I have custody of the phone this afternoon while BG gets some rays before the wedding. She fried the first time, but I've worked up to it. She was white as an albino! I certainly don't adore the sun as much as I used to in an oil me up and bake kind of way. Hats are my friend in these days of global warming and southern summer heat. She's going to outfit me for the afternoon, which suits me fine because I'm working and it fits right into the slide toward bed. No partyin' though...sawmill weekend. It's been nice in a way not to have the ability to constantly text and be distracted from work..and each OTHER. There were 900 conversations going on today, all backed by the roar of AC vents,analyzers and centrifuges. I honestly felt like a total out of body experience at one point when somebody glibly said "You okay?" and then walked away as I said not really. She never even heard my response. I felt totally invisible, and that's when the last tear fell.


Tuesday, June 12, 2012

keeping the faith with poop happening everywhere

One of the things that amazes me about FB is how when it's free and wall street isn't all up in it, people actually express who they are and what they're thinking with some sort of blind trust that there's not a big brother watching somewhere. Two years in Yahoo! chatrooms convinced me that role playing is highly overrated. That is the true essence of co-dependency from what I've learned first hand. Everybody everywhere is just puttin' their false self out there trying to make "the man" happy and live a good life. No wonder I've been searching for Belize. Thanks Lorna and Sheila!

Everybody's all pissed off about the taxes and whatnot, particularly those property owners in North Dakota who have gotten a referendum up to eliminate the asessment on land that is owned by their citizens who are, by the way, the very ones who took it from native Americans during the wild!wild!west! Now their economy is booming 'cuz the oil fields are making money for somebody. I often profess to believe in a merciful God, but I seriously doubt that he would condone that shit. Just sayin'.

Our shadows are Junish on the lane..with big fat orange melting sunsets over the fields that are rich with cotton and refreshed from yesterday's rain monsoon. Northeasterly winds should clear out the humidity for all of us in the AM according to I don't tend to get overly dramatic but when I saw the rain blowing sideways yesterday, I about had the big one. People all around town have reported flying trampolines and leaves in their pools, plus numerous downed trees blocking the road to home. It was no small coincidence that I relived the night of our close call when the twister ripped up from Unionville and across the golf course. That was one very long week.

The grands are good and mama is amazing me with her smarts during this time of transition. Pretty much she just says okay as long as it all works, which is totally not her former "runner of the world" status. That helps a lot, if you know what I mean. Her persistence in maintaining their status prior to five years ago has just about done me in as a believer. I'd rather die alone than to spend time with someone who expects me to conform. Could be that 58 year history of marriage coming into play one.more.time.

Monday, June 11, 2012

blogging by candlelight

Actually, that's not possible unless you have a wireless device which I certainly do not. We lost power around 3PM when this big old honkin' thunderstorm moved across the river with very high winds. There I sat with no phone (BG has it today) and no electricity to tell me when the tornado was gonna hit so I did what any rational smartass redneck gal would do....lit a candle and balanced my checkbook. Well, kinda sorta. At least I know where I am even if it's not such a good place. Beats the hell out of denial, ya know?

My friend and I went to the nursing home today to visit a lady who claimed us long ago as her "favorites" in the healthcare profession. He picked up a flower in the gift shop for her, and hid it behind his back the whole way over. Her little British face glowed when he showed up and shared tales about his daughter who is a lawyer over there...a solicitor I believe. She's just a couple of years older than BG but has had a different life. Daddies and daughters can be funny, as I know very well. Sometimes it's easier just to throw money at it and try to meet in the middle.

Meanwhile, the power went out twice because evidently global warming is real and Big Ernie is stirring up the weather because she's mad as hell. Dyersburg Electric just spent about four hours with chain saws and bucket trucks clearing out Pecan Lane. Those ancient pecan limbs will drop off in a heartbeat, if you know what I mean. BG got stuck out in the monsoon in the Neon which is never a good thing. That car got her an education in social work and it's still runnnin', praise BE! I've been running around barefoot in the dark mopping up the floor with my feet and moving furniture to and fro. If it's the last thing I do, these 10K floors will be clean before we leave.

Take that to the bank ^j^

Sunday, June 10, 2012

self reflection

Ryder has found, and proceeded to bark at, herself in the mirror and that's the funniest thing I've seen in the while. When she's on my bed she can clearly see that other doggie and it drives her nuts. When I look in the mirror, which isn't too often, all I see are old tired lookin' eyes staring back. Rode hard, put up wet so to speak. I've not had a really "tough" life by some standards, but it's not been easy either. The most important thing to me personally is to never EVER quit trying because when you do, the devil has won. I've also come to realize that when you knock on a bunch of doors that refuse to budge even when you try to push 'em in, that's Big Ernie telling you to pick another door or path. Yesterday my friend Lorna and I wandered around the season opening or our local farmer's market and down the trail to the Forked Deer river. Around 50 canoes, half rentals, put in at Roellen and floated to downtown D'burg on a beautiful breezy sunny Saturday morning. I made cool new friends in the canoe team that we picked up for shuttle and that makes a day worthwhile in my book.

Friday I visited an old friend and co-worker who is suffering with liver disease from chronic HCV. She was at one time on a transplant list, but was removed when her lesions turned cancerous. Hepatitis C is indeed the baby boomer disease because it wasn't even named and tested for until the early 90's following HIV testing in the mid 80's. Formerly known as nonA-nonB hepatitis, Hep C can lie dormant for years until it jumps out of control and takes over liver function. Treatment of choice often includes therapeutic phlebotomy to remove excess iron that may deposit there. Interferon is the drug of choice, which is chemo and nasty. Not very good choices, ya'll. I know in my heart that anti-viral drugs that aren't a death sentence can be produced in a country where pharmacy technology can sell high price pills that give you a four hour boner. Not that I would even begin to know what to do with that!

While out to (you guessed it) breakfast with Daddy, I noticed one of the teenagers that used to be in my SS class sitting at a table with his wife and ...CHILD? Good lord, when did all that happen. Afterwards I ran into another one of them at the chicken store and I told him they had "grown up good". Another one of my kids, an "adopted" daughter and her longtime BF will be tying the knot next weekend. It's been a long road from there to here, and this celebration is sure to be a grand one.
BG missed the bachelorette weekend due to lack of funds, so they did their own little thing Friday night while Steve and his buddies did the bachelor bar tour.

Mom is doing much much better and getting around like before it all went to hell in a handbasket one Friday in March. Daddy is getting more and more ornery and the new meds arrived yesterday so we shall see how that flies. There's a lot of wiggle room with that particular drug, so it's worth a shot. All three of us are due at the doctor's office next week to discuss what the current situation is and options for the two of them. We shall also see how THAT flies. There was an early morning shooting at a club on the highway about two miles from my house which freaks me the eff out. Gang and/or drug related, I feel sure. It is slowly creeping toward the 'burg from the south again years after the dissolution of the junveile task force that stopped it cold years ago.

Still no sugardaddy, I'm sorry to report. The house is a wreck and the dogs have ticks and I'm already broke two days after direct deposit. But you know what? I'll never give up trying and never stop believing that karma is real and that the glass is half full ^j^

Thursday, June 7, 2012

rollin' in the deep

Allrighty then. Today has been splendid in that the right tendon isn't sore to the touch, thankyouverymuch stretches and naproxen and numerous ice packs. Somehow, I think it's all related to that right sided weakness that includes "the bitch" on my shoulder blade. She jumps on touch, I swear. Sometimes all you have to do is LOOK at her! We watched a show about dogs in NYC simply because one of 'em looked just like Oscar, only with worse teeth. He got about fifteen minutes a day in a harness because they both work and there's kids get the picture. The handsome trainer showed them how to handle their pet by not putting him in a protective status for one of the family members. I was amazed because we've done the same with our version of Oreo. Poor Ockie has issues from having his back carved out as a puppy. Shame on you crackheaded cousins! He still follows his mama, who calls him Scooter, when she goes for walks. He stopped short of going to the chicken store with her though. This dog knows where he's got it made, just like all the rest of the critters. Ain't no better place to live than with a middle aged smartass hippie peace freak and her spawn out in the country.

We've been hearing water running for days now, and the pressure is bad so I called my brother who called the plumber who told him to tell me to check the pump to the horse trough. Which had a busted hose. If I wasn't just a girl I'd have probably checked that a week ago, but what the hell. The whole time I was looking for the cutoff I was praying that Mr. Snake wasn't in there. I get paid tonight at midnight thanks be to BE and head into it about 200 bucks in the hole from bank charges and whatnot. BG has no job like many Americans, with 25K of federal debt on her head because she believed that she could make a difference in the lives of people who have no resources. As far as I can attest, she has done just that driving people to shop and pawn stuff and whatever it took for them to survive that day. If the banks never get a dime of her money, she's doing what she was trained to do with firm boundaries in place. Social work rocks.

Today is the first day in forever that I feel like there might be a light at the end of my tunnel, or at the very least around one of the bends. Our farmer's market opens Saturday with canoe trips on the Forked Deer which is something I never thought I'd see ya'll. Thanks be to all those who have explored the options that lie in our waterways. Long ago, that was how things moved, remember? Then came trains and oil and all that shit and the profits therein and we commenced to destroy the earth one gift at a time. Don't even get me started on OPEC. They're right up there with big box stores in my book. That's also the one who remembers what it was like to go to the dime store with greatgrandma and have a fountain coke while parakeet shopping. Baby boomers have seen a lot change in the techno world during our lifetimes, sweating our way through conversions from manual to electronic records. We know who Elvis and Hitler were, though there's really no connection other than our days of growing into adults raised by post WWII parents during a time of great social import'.

Segregation is an issue that made a huge impact on me as a young southern girl. I was raised side by side with a family that was colorless, yet the schools and government agencies and just about everybody kept them on the other side of the fence. Martin Luther King is one of my personal heroes, along with Jon Stewart and John Cusack. Let's see what kind of search THAT combo generates! Our mayor Ms. Mozella is a longtime Methodist like us, and has recently started church hopping because she doesn't like the preacher. My suspicion is that she is quietly mapping her passage to glory, just like mama and daddy. Bless my mama's heart, she just wants to make the whole thing easy and fun for everybody.

As all southern girls say when in a pinch.. "how nice"

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

today's news

Okay ya'll...enough already with the porn star who eats people. Ditto for the bath salts guy. These people have seriously deep rooted psychological problems and deserve what they get. I'm not big on capital punishment so I'd say dose 'em up with lithium and seroquel and get on with what's important. Like keeping the damned old conservatives in Congress from electing Mitt. I didn't vote last election, but this time I will. Since then I've learned it's not about the front runner but the ones who are abusing the lack of term limits. Mitch McConnell...that means you. Take a pill and go to the home where for profit healthcare treats you real nice during your final hours. Bill Frist? You too. Don't tell me this bitch don't remember because Terri Schiavo will forever be on my heart.

I remember sitting at my friend Billy's funeral bawling my eyes out with bossfriend. He died of a massive heart attack at the age of 43 down in the tunnel where people hide when there's a tornado. We had been friends for the years that he worked for a local construction company, remodeling the facility that was built in 1957 by county government. I was born in the Baird Brewer building up there by the Methodist church. My friend JoAnn was born the same day and we didn't even know it until we worked together years later. Looking back on Billy's funeral, I see now that it was an omen for my salsa sister. Shortly after that her daddy was killed in a crash with a log truck on the highway in Gates. The grandkids were youngish and she and her brother were devastated. The chaplain and I showed up for a packed house at the funeral home and followed them to the cemetery in the pouring rain. That is also something I will never forget.

Propane guy and hand surgeon have been sending me hand written messages on their bills lately so I guess it's time for a second job or sugardaddy, whichever comes first. As an optimist, I'm counting on the second job. Or at least equal pay for equal work. I'm not too sure what the whole Wisconsin thing is about, but I'm pretty sure it doesn't concern me. Not does the gay pornstar cannibal in Berlin. Shame on you YouTube.


Tuesday, June 5, 2012


In my paying line of work, stat is the term we use for something that is critical in nature and needs to be tended to in a "drop everything" fashion 'cuz somebody's real sick. Well, that's what it's supposed to mean. About half the time it means the doctor forgot something until the last minute. The abuse of this term, as well as that of emergency rooms across the country is just one small part of the broken system that is healthcare, no matter which party's version you believe. Other than neutering big pharmacy and insurance, we're all at the mercy of people who mean well but who are burning out from doing more with less. Other industries are facing this as well, not just us. And for what? An American dream that we once saw and failed to appreciate enough? Yeah, I'm in a mood. My friend Rocko blew through today with his usual church hug and tall tale about the beach which he knows just kills my soul. God love him, he introduced me to one of his associates as his "blogger" friend! That was back when I was still in the outhouse and poop was happening all over the place. The lovely Tamara designed that site with love and care and didn't charge a dime. It's still out there girlfriend! Most of the time that I was writing there, I was either on a rant or feeling sorry for myself, or both. My brother and his wife ran a home business so they tracked stats to see where their market was. That business started in their house at the end of Pecan Lane and it was sold to finance their move to the mountains of Virginia. I admire their conviction in busting their butts and working together to raise children and run yet another biz. I'll never forget the day I watched that trailer with all those totes head out toward their life ahead. Even the UPS guy showed up and walked alongside with us. Two dogs went along and lived happy lives with kids and big open fields to run in. That, my friend, is the American dream. It's my turn with the mower and my job is done. Two rains have thickened up the orchard grass so it's fixin' to be a mess out there. Plus, I'm taking care of the edges by the field so my friend Mr. Snake doesn't take up residence. I wish I had a video of me lurking around everywhere outside watching for the evil one to just be in my line of vision. Ya'll would laugh your asses off, I swear. I mean I'm talking total freakout and that's dangerous for somebody with blood pressure problems, ya know? Just kiddin'..last time I looked him squarely in the eye as he hung all over the bush and said "Hell to the naw!" I think he heard me.

Monday, June 4, 2012

against all odds

We are so accustomed to bad luck that I was quite pleasantly surprised to find that I hadn't been "unplugged" when I got home from the sawmill today. I suppose that means I am to taptaptap for one more post before they cut me off. This morning I found BG's phone in a puddle of water left behind by my discarded ice pack so I quickly took it apart to dry. Don't know yet if that worked but we shall see. A book that I ordered not too long ago came in the mail, a guide to writing and publishing magazine articles and short stories which is something I think I could manage with a minimum of stress. There is something about the word "book" that just makes me want to crawl in a hole and hibernate because it seems such a massive feat from where I sit. I told a friend yesterday that I feel like the book itself is already written, it just needs to be pulled together. We text in code: me telling her don't call HIM, and she telling me simply "book." Last night BG and I were happily singing along with Adele and Matt Lauer, anxiously waiting for "Rolling in the Deep" when the damn weatherman cut in to warn us of tornadoes on the way. How dare you Tim VanHorn! Anywho...we missed our song but also got lucky on the weather so there you go. Mysterious ways, and all that. I got summoned to the front desk this afternoon which normally means a drug screen or something but instead I found my co-worker from EMS relaying a message from my favorite patient Ms. Olive that she was in house and wanted a kiss. Needless to say I wasted no time scurrying around to give her some hugs and stuff. She is absolutely precious, and knew to the day how long it's been since a cig and a beer. Her potty mouth is one of her most endearing traits, as well as the fact that she adores me and one other laboratory person who is the pathologist that stuck a needle in her backside ten years ago. That is when we first met, and she still says I'm her "favorite nurse". I don't bother to explain that I'm not a nurse because, what the hell. Everybody else thinks that EVERYBODY who works in healthcare is a nurse. My calendar is filled with appointments, most of which aren't mine of course. There's a joint visit to the old people's doc for the grands next week as well as one for me and my FNP who tries to keep the old BP and nerves under control. So far, it's day by day. The BP med that she changed me to worked like a charm but costs 50 bucks so that's not an option. We've gotta find something on that cheap list! It's so pathetic that someone with good insurance who works in the field still has to hunt and peck for cost effective cheap medicines. Very disheartening when I see that premium coming out every check and can't afford co-pays. On the flip side of that, my bossfriend's husband is alive today ONLY because he had that same insurance to pay for his treatment with a recently diagnosed autoimmune disorder. Otherwise, the dogs are eating more and more and learning to get along with Ryder in the mix. She needs shots ($175 over the next 12 weeks) and definitely a spay which will be out the roof but is better than more puppies. It's so special to watch she and Faith bond as mother and daughter. I sold the JT tickets to a lovely couple whom I know will enjoy every minute of it. That makes me smile, picturing them on Mud Island singing along with Sweet Baby James. The last wave of grief seems to have subsided for now and I'm eternally grateful for that because it just hurts like hell to be down in that hole without a shovel. The interest alone on my debt to the loan sharks is 180 bucks a month, which is a bunch of crap but something that many people depend on to survive when disaster hits. Which seems to be fairly often around here! This too shall pass. As always, we are leaving room for the spirit to work. BG is out job hunting today following a departure from something that was simply "a job" that she did very well and got thrown under the bus more time. There is a devil lurking up in that situation so I'm glad she's outta there. With thunderstorms comes humidity and it is out the wazoo today brothers and sisters. I've been fantasizing lately about beach and surf which means it's way past time for a visit. Maybe later, ya know? Happy Monday...slap it on the ass on its' way out ^j^

Saturday, June 2, 2012

farmer's daughter

There is inside each of us some scared little kid who wants to control the world so as to feel safe and whatnot. Mine comes out on occasion to torment the hell out of my soul until I am forced to let it go and be what it is. My father has always been one to control, a trait that was picked up from a childhood of hard work and not much loving. His daddy was the meanest old goat I remember from that side of the fam. They sharecropped most of his young life, even the girls. It was a very harsh time for the little man, much like today. They had seen the collapse of Wall street and all the jumps that accompanied it. One of his sisters married a rich man who sold furniture and she was about the luckiest one money wise. They lived in this dream house in a fancy subdivision and had one kid so we piled up in there for holidays. I'm talking black marble bathroom fixtures ya' the sixties!! Another sister was married to the police chief and the baby girl lived in Minnesota with her family. her husband died a few years ago from ALS, and Bud was gone long before that. The first funeral that I really remember attending and grasping the meaning of was that of rich uncle CH. He died early of heart disease leaving his fortune to a wife and son who went through the whole wad, just like in my maternal family. Lots of alcohol, drugs and high living will burn it like a wildfire. I remember sitting with her as she was on hospice for terminal cancer watching the birds on the deck and thinking about all the times that we had gathered as family there. She died peacefully at home with her family in attendance and that's the way BE likes it, I believe. My great grandmother Ethel Inez died in Gaga's house with several of us there. When it comes right down to it, you do what has to be done. The farm on which I have been privileged to grow up was bought with the riches of a St.Louis man who earned it selling rain gear during WWI. And it's still here all these years later. My mind wanders over every little crevice,creek,house and barn with almost 58 years of memories to reflect on. I never realized that it wasn't "just me" with daddy's fits until momma kindly explained to me that he had never been shown love like she got from her own father. He didn't know how to do something that was foreign...a gift never given to him. Something in me turned on a dime and embraced the fact that he loves me the best way he knows how, and is somewhat appreciative of my contributions to his schedule ;) The evil OCD demon has taken control of his mind, racing ahead constantly to choose the next thing. Never just "being." What torture it must be for both of them to be so limited. They have their memories, just like I have mine. Nothing will ever take them away, not even death. My daughter has shared in most of those, and for that I am eternally grateful. Big hugs and prayers back at everybody who's hanging with me through this. It shall pass, I know. Sometimes it's just the waiting that gets to you. ^j^

Friday, June 1, 2012

misery and company

BG and I are both sick with some kind of epizootie that swells the throat and gives one's head the feeling of being under a bucket. Loss of hearing too. Plus feel like poop on top of that. That, combined with our lack of funds, has her absent from the babachelorette party and home with mom and no teevee. Fun times! We watched "One for the Money" yesterday and were amazed at how the actors were all cast just as we had imagined them from reading all something-teen books. $1.32 vs twenty bucks to go to a theater if one is only patient, ya'll. I'm to the point where if it doesn't come to me, it doesn't happen because home is where I want to be. I started (trying to go) to bed about six yesterday with a nice steady rain drumming outside...heaven. And then the phone began to ring. And again. At least I was reclining while I talked about this that and the other, mostly to do with eldercare and daddy's ornery streak of late. We shall double dose him as of tomorrow and see if that makes mama's life a bit easier until we can get this whole thing organized for a transition. I thought I was through with the meltdown, but phase II hit me this morning, probably because I missed a day of celexa and haven't caught up. Talked to my dear Lake county friend who is about to have her home taken away, one more victim of the predatory lending practices that have been the downfall of our economy. Here's my question to the lenders...who the hell do you think is gonna buy this repo stuff if nobody has any money but the rich guys who already have houses in the Hamptons and the Bahamas. You think they're gonna snatch up a bargain in northwest Tennessee just because Reelfoot Lake (used to be) is there? They are becoming a port with a whole bunch of rich people up in there doing construction and making MORE money. Supposedly it will revitalize the economy in this poverty stricken area that is legendary for the lake that was formed in the big earthquake of 1812, I believe. Located next to the mighty Mississippi, no less. Onward port authority. Always remember that Big Ernie is watching. I know from experience that grief isn't something that can just be blown out in one big gush of tears and brushed under the rug. There are stages and relapses and whatnot and I'm prepared to go through them time after time because in my heart I know it's the only way. To top it all off this afternoon, I saw my ex-roommate at the gas station leaning against a car with a 40 oz chattin' up some guy when I swung in to get beer. He never turned around and made eye contact, which kinda surprised me. He's always the charmer who has a line that he pitches out like a pro to make himself look good. Ya'll think he might actually have a conscience? I doubt it. I told my friend yesterday that I'd rather spend the rest of my life alone than with someone who shows that much disrespect for a "girlfriend." My bad. The demolition of my childhood grocery store is almost complete and I never even got a glass block or a brick from it even after I asked real nice. I should have just gone up in there and stole it like all the thugs who put Mr. Van out of business with multiple robberies. Well, of course there were the back to back floods that contributed to the swan song too. It is what it is, ya'll. ATT will pull the plug tomorrow so I'm out of the web until we get that caught up. Might be a good time to not procrastinate and carry on with the cleaning and packing and burning without the distraction of the people who live in my computer, as Lois Lane calls us. I have my camera back...the weather has moderated. Possibilities? I think so. ^j^